If I were a Ninja
by Matt's-Awesome-Too
Summary: As the title suggest, this is what would happen if I were a Ninja. Rated M because I wrote it! Also, Sesshomaru is trying to kill Itachi? Chapter Preview: Sesshomaru VS Itachi! I like pie! Meeps!
1. Chapter 1

Matt here: Hey, I finally got around to wrting my Naruto story... thats it. I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and this bag of pretzels. Yum! 

It was a sunny day in Konoha, the birds were chirping, the grass was growing, and no one was wondering why the Land of Fire's main ninja village was called the "Village Hidden in the Leaves" which has nothing to do with fire at all. I mean, seriously, what's up with that? Matt and company were currently walking to the village's front gate.

Matt, adjusting his headband: I hate these stupid things, why the fuck would you upset your balance by placing a heavy metal plate on your forehead?

Brogan, fashioning hers around her waist: You don't have to put it on your head, it can go anywhere.

Pat, holding his headband in his hands: But isn't it a headband? Shouldn't it be designed to fit on the head?

Matt, moving his to his right shoulder: And wouldn't it make more sense to place it around your neck, that areas more likely to get hit then your forehead?

Pat: Yeah, would have saved Sasuke a lot of trouble... but that's his main source of power currently in the series... huh, guess it's a double-edged sword.

Matt: Yeah, another thing, why isn't the transformation just enough to be a totally kick ass fighter, you could just transform into a giant diamond swordsman and kill your opponent.

Pat: Yeah, and how come no one uses the log switch-out move anymore, I only see them get the shit beat out of them now.

Matt: I know, and what's up with taijutsu? I've never seen a ninja punch and kick his opponent to death.

Brogan: Will you two stop pointing out the various flaws of this series, the gates coming up and we don't want to cause a scene!

Matt and Pat: Fine, Meanie Pants!

The trio calmly walked into the village, and no one paid any attention to them.

Brogan: Ok, just gotta get an empty apartment and then set up home base. Got it?... Pat?... Matt?

Brogan turned around to notice that her two companions were missing.

Brogan: Go mother fucking damn it.

Meanwhile,...

Pat: You sure Brogan won't get mad that we ditched her to go get food?

Matt: Since when do you care about her feelings?

Pat: Ah touche, so that ramen place around here?

Matt: Yeah, it should...

Matt's eyes suddenly spotted a person in an orange jumpsuit with blond spiked hair.

Matt: Oh my god! It's Goku! And he's in Super Saiyan mode! Come on Vegeta, we have to fight him!

Vegeta, now in Super Saiyan mode: Kakarot! Today you die!

Matt and Vegeta suddenly attacked "Goku" sending him flying into a building.

Matt, walking up to the unconscious body: Huh, that was easy.

Vegeta: Uh, that's not Kakarot.

Matt: what are you talking about? He's wearing an orange jumpsuit with spiked blond hair, it must be him.

Vegeta: Yeah, but Kakarot isn't a 12 year old, and his doesn't have those fucking line things on his face... what the hell are those things?

Matt: Ah,... I see your point... lets get the fuck out of here before the cops show up.

Vegeta then flew off into space.

Matt, running past Pat: Gotta run! Accidentally beat up 12 year old!

Matt and Pat then ran off to find Brogan.

Back to Brogan,...

Brogan was quietly setting up various equipment in the apartment she had just finished acquiring, when Matt and Pat burst through the window.

Brogan: You guys suck! I had to do this by myself!

Pat: What good would we have been? Neither of us are trusted with the Company Credit Card since the Hooker Avalanche Incident!

Brogan: Whatever... we're lucky that this universe has no problem with teenagers living in apartments by themselves with no form of parental supervision.  
Matt: Thus, proving my theory that Japan has no Child Protective Services.

Pat: So, what's the plan?

Brogan: We wait here for further instruction.

Matt: Whatever, if we're gonna be here for a few hours, we might as well get some ramen.

Brogan: Matt, what an uncharacteristically kind gestu...

Matt: Brogan, go get us some ramen!

Brogan: God damn it.

Far away,...

Sesshomaru, sitting up in a tree: Where is this older brother who claims to be eviler then I? Why does he refuse to show himself?

He then examined his left arm.

Sesshomaru: It seems time to get a replacement.

Suddenly, a tower of black flame exploded in the distance.

Sesshomaru: Perfect.

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Don't forget to review! Oh yeah, Sesshomaru won't appear in every chapter, this was just a one time deal, he'll get his own chapter whenever I have writers block. REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! I like pie! Meeps!


	2. Chapter 2

Matt here: Yeah, If anyone can guess where most of the beginning came from then they get a red-shirt role in the next chapter... w00t. I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and (various witty remark #29.5). 

On the last chapter of If I was a Ninja,...

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Brogan: Matt, I'm pregnant,... and Pat is the father!

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Sesshomaru: Come, Inuyasha! Join me and the dark side!

Inuyasha: No, never! You killed my father!

Sesshomaru: No! I am your father!... 's son, making me your brother!

Inuyasha: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

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Brogan: Matt, I'm pregnant,... and Sesshomaru is the father!

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Matt: Hamtaro! Little hamsters, big adventures! My best friends! We like sunflower seeds! Yum, yum, yum!

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Mario: Matt, I'm-a pregnant,... and your-a the father!

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Pat: Yum! We're eating ramen and waiting for further instruction!

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Seto Kiba: You don't stand a _GHOST _of a chance!

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Brogan: Matt, I'm pregnant,... and Syrus is the...

Matt: No fucking way!

Brogan: Ok, I made that one up.

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Matt, the Narrator: Now back to this week's chapter of If I was a Ninja, wait, did any of that stuff really happen?

Matt and company had been waiting for a few hours when a turtle flew through then window and exploded, leaving a gaping hole in reality. A package suddenly fell out and the hole fixed itself.

Pat, picking up the note: Okay, are objective is to track down and assassinate a rouge agent, thats it... that's all the info they gave us... this sucks!

Brogan: Calm down, maybe it's in the box.

Brogan opened the box to reveal 3 pistols.

Matt, holding the gun: This is lame? I've got like 6 of these in my trench coat right now.

Pat: 6? Why do you need 6?

Matt: One for every appendage on my body, and my mouth.

Pat: That's only 5?

Matt: _Every_ appendage.

Pat:... ew.

Matt, pocketing the pistol: Whatever, I'm gonna go to one of those mixed baths that Japan so popular for.

Matt then jumped out the window.

Pat: Should we have told him that this isn't Japan?

Brogan: Nah, it's good for him to figure things out for himself.

Pat: Whatever, I gonna go challenge Choji to a pie eating contest.

Pat then jumped out the window, forgetting that they were 5 stories up and landed on top of Matt's unconscious body.

Brogan was about to go outside when she noticed a tiny card on the floor.

Brogan, reading the card: OOC Gun... this'll be fun.

Brogan the jumped out the window, landed on top of Pat, and bounced several yards to the west.

3 hours later,...

Matt, regaining consciousness: Uh, ... can't breath, weight... crushing... ribs...

Pat, regaining consciousness: Okay, jumping out of a 5 story window, not a good idea.

Matt: Get... off... fatass...

Pat, jumping up: Jeez, stop being such a pussy!

Matt: I fell 5 stories into concrete, had a 200 something weight land on top of me, currently have 9 broken ribs, and was deprived of oxygen for the past 3 hours. I think I have the right to be ticked.

Pat: ... pussy.

Matt: Fine! Anything wrong with you?

Pat: Well, sometimes when I go to bed at night I think about my parents having sex and get very angry for some reason.

Matt:... I'm gonna go check in with the Hokage with Brogan, you stay here.

Matt then ran off to go get Brogan from the tree she bounced into.

Pat: How come everyone always runs when I open up to them?

At the Hokage's office,...

Brogan: Now, we're meeting the head of the village, so I want you to be on your best behavior!

Matt: Ok!

The two walked through the door to find Shizune at a desk.

Shizune: How may I help you?

Brogan: We're here to see the Hokage.

Shizune: And why would I let enemy ninja just walk in and see the Hokage?

Brogan: We're not enemy ninja!

Shizune: Then why does your headband have a disco ball on it instead of a swirly leaf?

Brogan then examined her own headband to notice that it, in fact, had a disco ball on it.

Brogan: Matt! What the fuck? I told you to get the headband with the leaf on it!

Matt: They didn't have it! The had these spirals with a triangle, but nothing that looked like a leaf, so I got the next best thing!

Brogan: Great, now what are we supposed to do?

Matt: Let me handle this!

Matt then walked up to Shizune's desk.

Matt: Yeah, we're ninjas from the ...uh... "Village Hidden in the 70's" located in the... uh... "Land of Funk" and we need to see the Hokage to... uh... get permission to ... uh... search the surrounding area for a missing nin... yeah, that's what we're doing.

Shizune: Oh, why didn't you say that in the first place? The door is down the hall, third one to the right.

Brogan, whispering: How the fuck did you pull that shit off?

Matt, whispering: I did what now?

The two opened the door to the Hokage's office.

Tsunade, playing hand-held poker: What do you want?

Matt, jumping into her cleavage: BOOBIES!

Tsunade: Why is your friend in my cleavage?

Brogan: Please excuse him, he's mentally perverted. Matt! She's a 50 year old woman.

Matt whole body stiffened up, except for him penis, that did the opposite, as he fell to the ground.

Tsunade: He gonna be okay?

Brogan: He'll be fine, it's just that the blood suddenly emptied from one head to another.

Tsunade: Why are you here?

Brogan: We need permission to search through the village for a missing nin for a team of 3 ninjas.

Tsunade, getting out a stamp: Ok then, just show me your passports.

Brogan then picked up Matt and was heading out the door when Tsunade stopped her.

Tsunade: Hey! I bet you 500 ryou your friend dies!

Brogan: He's only unconscious, he'll be fine.

Tsunade: 1000 ryou!

Brogan: He's got nothing physically wrong with him!

Tsunade: 2500 ryou!

Brogan: Deal.

And with that Brogan then left the Hokage's Office, about to be 2500 ryou richer when Matt regained consciousness.

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Ok, that chapters done, now all YOU have to do is press that button down in the corner, and write a review. DO IT NOW! I like pie! Meeps!


	3. Chapter 3

Matt here: Nothing much to say... I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and pie! 

Matt and Brogan were sitting under a tree while Brogan counted her money.

Brogan, bills in hand: 2480... 2490... 2500 ryou!

Matt: Come on! You've counted that 3 times! Let's go get some hookers already!

Brogan: If this money is gonna be spent on hookers, they're gonna be male.

Matt: WHAT? But you like women, right?

Brogan: MATT! Your just... uh! Sometimes I wish you were your... polar... opposite.

Brogan suddenly remembered the OCC gun she had in her skirt... wait, skirts don't have pockets...

Brogan, taking out the gun: Hey Matt, look! It's Micheal Jacksom!

Micheal Jackson: What do you want? Jam on! Whoo hoo!

Matt, running over: OH MY GOD! MISTER JACKSON! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

Brogan then took careful aim at Matt's head and pulled the trigger.

Matt: Oooo! A bobby pin!

The bullet whooshed past Matt's head, just brushing against his blond hair, and went straight into Gaara's shoulder, who had just finished killing a homeless person, knocking him unconscious.

Brogan, rushing to Gaara's side: Shit, shit, fuck, shit!

Matt, already at Gaara's side: He's unconscious, I'm gonna have to give him mouth to mouth!

At that second a crowd of fangirls rushed around to see the yaoi goodness.

Brogan: Where did all these fangirls come from?

Meanwhile,...

Sasuke, charging out of his room: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

He then looked around noticing no one there.

Sasuke: Huh,... guess they're gone,... what am I gonna do for fun now...

Back there,...

Matt: OK then, fuck it! Bastards gonna die. I'm gonna find me some boobies.

Gaara, eyes opening: Did someone say boobies?

Matt: He's alive!

Gaara, jumping up: I loves me some boobies, that and moving real fast, eating sugary foods, and dancing!

Matt: AWESOME! Hey, wanna join our village?

Gaara: YEAH!

Matt, handing him a headband: Here you go! You are now a honorary member of the "Village Hidden in the 70's" located in the "Land of Funk".

Gaara placed the head band right above his other headband on that sash he wears to keep that gourd on his back.

Matt: Hmm, you gonna need a new name, too. You can't be Gaara of the Desert anymore...

Gaara: How about Gaara of the Funk?

Background music: Uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, GAARA OF THE FUNK!

Matt: Wow, it had it's own background music. Sweet! Gaara of the Funk it is.

Background music: Uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, GAARA OF THE FUNK!

Matt and Gaara: SWEET! IT happens every time we say it!

Matt: Gaara of the Funk.

Background music: Uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, GAARA OF THE FUNK!

Gaara: Dude! We should so go wait for a table at a Chinese restaurant!

Matt: Why?

Gaara: 'Cause then they'd have to call out the name when the table's ready.

Matt: SWEET!

The two the ran off to go get Chinese food.

Brogan, remembering her 2500 ryou: I'm going to Chippendales!

And Brogan went to Chippendales, but what of Pat you ask... you didn't... well to bad,...

Pat was walking around aimlessly until he spotted Team 10 at a barbecue.

Shikamaru, lying down: This is all such a drag.

Choji, eating some pork: Ah come on, eatings an important part of life.

Asuma, lighting up a cigarette: Choji's right, Shikamaru.

Ino, being a bitch: Sensei, you shouldn't smoke, those things will kill you.

Asuma, blowing out smoke: Yeah, I got a feeling I don't have to worry about dying from smoking.

At that second Pat burst through the window and stole a piece of pork Choji was about to eat.

Choji: WHAT THE FUCK?

Pat: Chill, someone as fa...

Shikamaru and Ino jumped up and covered Pat's mouth preventing him from talking.

Shikamaru: THAT WORD IS TABOO!  
Pat, free to speak: What? I was just gonna call him a fat fuck.

Choji: I'M NOT FAT! I'M JUST BIG BONED! GRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Choji's skin suddenly turned green and he grew sharp claws. He then grew 5 stories high, and a tail!

Choji, now giant, green, and clawed: I'M NOT FAT! GRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ebisu: GODZILLA! RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!

Choji picked up Pat and flung him straight into the Hokage Faces, lodging him in the 4th Hokages Nostril, then he went on destroying several buildings.

Ino: So,... wanna have sex while they're gone?

Shikamaru: As long as I'm on the bottom, being on top is too troublesome.

The two ninjas then had semi-hot sex, and Asuma watched, because he didn't care what people thought of him anymore since he was gonna die in the first story arc of Part II.

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Haha! You all got boned up the ass with out dated spoilers! Anyway, review or I'll rape your children in the future. I like pie! Meeps! 


	4. Chapter 4

Matt here: Yeah, I blame Saint's Row for making this update so late, but that game is so fucking addctive. I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and some other stuff... what? These all can't be funny! 

Matt and Gaara were waiting for a table at the Chinese restaurant, playing rock, paper, scissors to pass the time.

Matt: Rock, Paper, Scissor, ... Shoot!

Matt threw rock while Gaara threw paper.

Gaara: Paper covers rock! I win! Sweetums!

Matt: No! Not sweetums! Rock flies through paper!

Gaara: That's not how it works...

Matt: Shut up! The guys about to call our table!

Gaara: How the fuck do you know that?

Matt: I read the script.

Gaara: What scri...

Chinese guy, let's call him Mr. Wang... hehe, wang: Tabre for too! Gaara off de Funk!

Chinese Background Music: Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, ...dun, ...dun, ...dun-daaaaaaaaaa! Gaara off de Funk!

Matt and Gaara just rolled on the floor laughing at the hilarious Chinese stereotype.

Mr. Wang: Yes, Yes, vary funny, now get off my crean froor and go spend arr your money!

Matt and Gaara then went to order their food.

Meanwhile,...

Choji, crushing a building: CHOJI HUNGRY!

Pat, running away: Shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

Choji threw a building right in front of Pat, blocking his escape.

Pat: Well, looks like I'm gonna die, guess I don't have to worry about eating this bottle of laxatives.

Pat then opened up a bottle of laxatives and was about to eat them when Choji's giant green and reached down, stole them, then consumed them.

Choji: Uh... Choji no feel good.

Choji's ass the let loose a giant stream of brownish green liquids and solids.

Ebisu: Hey! I'm the perverted guy who taught Konohamaru. I thought I should explain that since... HOLY FUCK!

Choji's ass diarrhea plastered Ebisu up against a wall.

Ebisu: Someone! Hose me down before it dries!

Pat: Yeah, I would, but you kinda smell.

Choji, now normal size lying on the ground: Hospital... hospital...

Pat then ran off to go do stuff...

Meanwhile,...

Brogan, counting her money while walking: I'm gonna get so many lap dances!

Suddenly, a pink-haired ninja jumped out and held a kunai to Brogan's throat.

Pink Hair: Hand over the money, and no one gets hurt!

Brogan then pushed her back back to feel two a-cups.

Pink Hair: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Brogan: Seeing if what Part this is, and since it's Part 1 you won't be doing anything useful for 2 ½ years.

Sakura: Ah man...

Brogan: Wanna go to Chippendales? I'll buy you a lap dance.

Sakura: YAY!

They two teenage girls then went to Chippendales,... I'm not quite sure how the pulled that off, but who cares.

Meanwhile, again,...

Matt and Gaara were ordering...

Gaara: Yeah, I'll have the orange chicken.

Matt: And I'll have the El Taco del Diablo. (I don't speak Spanish, so that may be wrong.)

Waitress: We no serve Tacos here. This is a Chinese estabrishment!

Matt then pointed a semi-automatic at her forehead while sipping his drink with the other.

Gaara: I suggest you get the man his El Taco del Diablo.

Waitress, pissing herself: Right away, sir.

As the waitress left a spiky blond mass popped up from the booth behind Gaara.

Blond Mass: Gaara? Is that you?

The mass turned around to reveal that it was Naruto.

Gaara: Naruto? What are you doing here?

Naruto: Sasuke invited me out to lunch.

Sasuke, sitting on the other side of the booth a Naruto: Only because my fangirls disapeered and I needed something to do.

Naruto: You guys eat yet?

Matt: Nah, we're waiting, how bout you?

Naruto: We're waiting too,... I know! Let's play a game to pass the time!

Sasuke, thinking: Huh, a game... I must think of one that I would win hands down to prove my superiority over these losers.

Sasuke: Fine, I'll play, how about "Who Has The Most Messed-Up Backstory?"

The other 3 ninjas agreed.

???, from the booth across for them: Mind if I join in?

Everyone looked over to see Haku and a very embarrassed Zabuza.

Matt: what are you guys doing here?

Haku: We're on a da...

Matt, jumping up and covering Haku's mouth: Shhh! Don't say anything gay or the yaoi fangirls will find us!

Haku, breaking free: But it's not gay, I'm a girl, feel my crotch

Matt then cautiously slid his hand down Haku's pants until he reached the crotch, and in fact felt a moist hole.

Haku: See, no penis.

Matt, fingering her slit: I don't know...

Haku, blushing wildly: Oh... OH... come on that's enough...

Matt, sliding deeper in: Oh come on, I' just making...

Zabuza, swing his sword up against Matt's neck: The lady said that's enough!

Matt: pulling his hand out: Yes, sir!

Suddenly, a crowd of fangirls crashed through the door and picked up Zabuza.

Fangirls: OMG! It's Cloud Strife! He's so smexy! (If anyone knows what smexy means, please tell me, I've always assumed it meant man-sexy.)

The crowd of fangirls then left with Zabuza, leaving everyone shocked.

Haku: Uh.. ok, how about I go first while I wait for the fangirls to return my boyfriend. I've got a special kekei genkei that allows me to use ice element jutsu. Since people with this ability were used as mercenaries, when my father found out that I had it he rallied a mob and killed my mother and I was forced to kill him and the entire mob, leaving me alone in the world.

Naruto: Yawn, mine is way more messed-up. Since the day I was born everyone one in the entire village has hated the fact that I ever existed, so I've had to live alone until Iruka-sensei decided to reach out to me.

Sasuke: Your kidding? That's only slightly sad. You might want to buy stock in Kleenex before I tell my story. I was always stuck in the shadow of my older brother, and no matter what I did I could never live up to my father's expectations of me. Then one day my older brother slaughter everyone in my family, leaving only me and him.

Gaara, letting out a slight laugh: I killed my mother during birth. Everyone in the village feared or hated me, except my uncle, who told me that my mother loved me. Then one day my father ordered him to kill me, which I stopped easily, but I forgave him because I thought it was a direct order that he couldn't refuse, but he corrected me saying that he chose to do it. He said that my mother had died cursing my very existence, and that she had never loved me. He then said that he had always secretly hated me, and then he said that no one could ever possibly love me. He then blew himself up, begging me to die with him, which I didn't because the sand protected me.

The group sat in silence when Gaara finished.

Matt, slowly putting down his drink: I'll try and beat that. I wasn't brought into life through the process you call "birth"...

Elsewhere,...

Pat, looking around: Where the fuck am I?

Suddenly a pair of green blurs shot out in front of him.

Big Green: Welcome traveler! Do you wish to know the secret of ultimate power?

Pat: Why yes, yes I do.

Little Green: Fine! Then you will need to wear a green jumpsuit like ours!

Pat, putting on the jumpsuit: Ok , now what? By the way, I'm Pat.

Big Green: I am Might Guy and this is my pupil Rock Lee! The secret to ultimate power is to harness the power of youthful manly lotus blossom!

Lee: It will take many weeks of arduous training!

Pat, ripping off the jumpsuit: Screw that.

Lee: Why do so many not see the light of youthful manly lotus blossom of the heart?

Guy: Do not fret, my youthful pupil. Soon all will see the light, whether they wish to or not.

Back at the restaurant,...

Matt: ... and then I brutally slaughtered my "parents".

The others then just starred in silence until Haku eventually pulled out a gun and shot herself.

Matt: Hey! Food's here!

Matt and Gaara then went back to their meals.

Matt, holding his taco: Hey Gaara! I bet I can fit this entire taco in my mouth.

Gaara: Only one way to find out.

Matt then shoved the entire taco in his mouth and swallowed it.

Gaara: You ok?

Matt: I FEEL THE SENSATION OF DIAREHHA!

Matt then ran strait to the bathroom. Gaara returned to eating his chicken.

On the other side of town,...

Temari was just returning from he trip home to go have a week of fun with her long distance boyfriend.

Temari, opening the door to Shikamaru's room: Shikamaru-kun! I'm...

She just stood gaping at the sight she was viewing. Her boyfriend was underneath that Ino whore, and she was pushing his man meat in and out of her whore body/

Ino, rubbing her nipples: OH YES!... SHIKAMARU! ... OH! OH! OH! I'M CUMMING!

Shikamaru, on th bottom doing nothing: Say my name, bitch!

Temari: SHIKAMARU NARA! YOU BASTARD!

Shikamaru: Whoa,... that was new.

Ino, stopping: That wasn't me.

Shikamaru then turned to the doorway to see a rather pissed off Temari, holding her fan in attack mode.

Temari, flames in the background: Shikamaru. I'm going to kill you, YOU CHEATING SON OF A BITCH!

Shikamaru, still naked, then ninja jumped out the window, as a pissed of Temari chased him.

Shikamaru, running down the street for his life: SHIT! THIS IS SUCH A DRAG!

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Ok, you read this, now review! REVIEW NOW! Do it or I'll do a chapter consisting of nothing but Matt having really bad diarrehha on the crapper. REVIEW! I like pie! Meeps!


	5. Chapter 5

Matt here. Yeah, sorry about the lateness, but FanFiction was being a bitch and wouldn't let me upload. I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and the right to enjoy catgirls! Yay! 

Gaara was waiting outside of the bathroom, when Matt suddenly burst out.

Gaara: You done?

Matt: Yeah, but I don't want to be the next one to go in there. And for some reason there was no place to piss.

Gaara: Because that was the Ladies room.

Matt was about to respond in shock and awe when Tenten walked up to them.

Tenten: Hello! Do you mind moving out of the way? I have to cry silently about the fact that I lack any backstory whatsoever in the bathroom.

Tenten then opened the door and was immediately knocked her unconscious and her hair burst into flames.

Gaara: Dude... nice.

Matt: I know... wanna rape her unconscious body?

Gaara: Hellz Yeah! (God damn that's a hard habit to break.

Suddenly, a mysterious force reached out and grabbed both Matt and Gaara by their ears.

???: No one's raping anyone's unconscious body on my watch.

Meanwhile, in order to build suspense,...

Pat: I'm not taking my sneakers off, 'cause I'm Sneakers O'Toole.

Kankuro: Hey you, take those sneakers off!

Pat: NO!

Kankuro: Drat, I'll never catch him. Not in these shoes

Pat: I didn't take my sneakers off, 'cause I'm Sneakers O'Toole

Kankuro: Ah, screw the Family Guy bit. Crow, retrieve!

Pat was making a break for it when a near-by barrel exploded, revealing a puppet, which latched onto Pat, immobilizing him.

Pat: CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU AND YOUR LACK OF STRINGS TO HOLD YOU DOWN!

Kankuro, dragging Crow and Pat: Ok, let's head back to the meeting place.

Back at the place,...

Matt and Gaara: HAKU! YOUR ALIVE!

Haku: Yeah... I just shot myself in the foot, since when is that a fatal injury?

Matt, pointing to the sky: CURSE YOU MATT, THE AUTHOR, BLESS THE VERY CRAP HE WRITES! CURSE YOU AND DETAIL LACKING WRITING STYLE!

Haku: What?

Gaara: Yeah, what's this about a writing style?

Matt: ... uh,... DISTRACTION JUTSU!

Matt then threw his shoe at Haku, grabbed Gaara, and bolted out the door.

Haku: What the fuck?

She the noticed the unconscious female on the ground.

Haku: I've always wanted to be with a woman...

Suddenly a crowd of Yuri Fangirls scooped her up and carried her away. (And if there is an FSM up there those exist.)

Where Brogan is,...

The two teenage kunoichi were outside of Chippendales, building up the nerve to enter.

Brogan, pushing the door open: Let's do this!

Sakura: ...Okay

Inner Sakura: FUCK YEAH! I'm gonna gets me a lap dance! (Got love Inner Sakura, she's such a pervert.)

The two crept slowly through the crowd of women and got seats up against the table. Two of the dancers approached the girls.

Silver Hair: Aren't you two a little young to be at a strip club?

Brogan: Isn't a bit to early to be wearing a Halloween Mask?

Silver Hair: Ah touche.

Sakura, looking up: He's wearing a mask... KAKASHI-SENSEI!

Kakashi: SAKURA!

Guy: Ah Kakashi, my eternal rival. Why have you stopped dancing? Do you forfeit our contest to see who could gain the most money through stripping?

Sakura then turned to notice that Might Guy was completely naked...

Kakashi: For god's sake! Your never gonna be a successful stripper if you only wear one piece of clothing! I think you've either traumatized her or turned her on incredibly.

Guy: I apologize, I should have been more careful of your youthful feelings, Sakura.

Lee, bursting from behind the curtains: Did I hear my beloved's name?

Sakura then starred at Lee, first at his revealed muscles, then at his boxers with the more than slight bulge, then at a third thing women like about men... maybe his earlobes? I don't know.

Sakura, pointing at Lee: I want a lap dance from him...

Brogan, slapping 10 ryou on the table: You heard the women.

Lee the jumped over to Sakura and started shoving his crotch in her face.

Lee: Sakura, If I can not please you visually, I shall give you 500 back-rubs, and If I should fail at that, I shall pick you 10,000 flowers, and If I should fail at that, I shall service you orally 300 times, and If should fail at that...

Sakura, thinking: Oh yeah, screw Sasuke, this'll work out just fine.

Brogan, watching: Eh, she can keep her caring... muscled... hung...man...

Brogan the shock her head remembering that he normally wore a green skintight jumpsuit.

Brogan: ...beside, I prefer the black trench coat type.

Kakashi: Guy, why the fuck would you bring your student...

Guy: Students...

Kakashi: ...students to a strip club.

Guy: Lee insisted that it would help his training and Neji said he wanted to video tape it for some youthful thing called YouTube. Their youthful youthfulness fills my lotus blossom heart of manliness with pride.

Kakashi: ... I swear, If I hadn't walked in on you having sex with Anko, I would swear you were a pedophile.

Brogan, at hearing Neji's name, looked around to find him sitting in the corner facing the wall, camcorder balancing on his head. She got up and walked over towards him.

Neji, still facing the wall: Move about 3 feet to the left, your blocking the shot.

She complied.

Brogan, thinking: Jeez, the perv, he must be looking at a mirror.

Neji: I'm not looking in a mirror, but I am a teenager, so of course I'm a pervert.

Brogan, thinking: HOLY SHIT! HE'S READING MY MIND!

Neji: I'm not reading your mind, I'm just using my Byakugan to make sure nothing is in the way of the camera's view, so I've been monitoring you since the second you came within 500 meters of this place, and I used that information to determine what you were most likely thinking.

Brogan, sitting down ext to him: Whew, that's a relief.

Brogan, thinking: Wait, if he can see through solid objects, then did he see my panties?

Neji: Yes...

Brogan: WHAT?

Neji: ... I am aware that my dashing good looks are making your feminine parts go wild.

Brogan, fixing her blue jean skirt and red shirt: Not really, but you wanna go get something to eat.

Negi, putting his arm around her: Sure, your friend gonna be alright?

Brogan, exiting the room: She'll be fine, let's get ramen.

Negi: Fine with me,... by the way, blacks a good color on you.

In the park,...

Gaara: Matt, why are we having a picnic so soon after lunch?

Matt, munching on watermelon: I have to get back the 10 lbs I lost in that bathroom.

Gaara:... ew.

Suddenly, Sasuke jumped out of some near-by bushes.

Sasuke: Hey,... have either of you seen my fangirls? I've looked everywhere for them.

Matt, handing Gaara a sandwich (Huh, get it... I hate puns.): No.

Sasuke, putting a kunai to his neck: Then I'm kill myself! I'll do it!

Sasuke, putting the kunai down: Ah, just kidding.

Sasuke, putting the kunai back up: I'M FUCKING SERIOUS THIS TIME!

Sasuke, putting the kunai back down: No I'm not.

Sasuke, putting the kunai back up: I'LL FUCKING DO IT THIS...

Matt had fired a shot straight into Sasuke's head, sending him to the ground bleeding.

Gaara: Dude,... I murder hobos for fun, and even I thought that was cruel.

Matt, examining his sandwich: Hmm... needs mayo. Quick Gaara! To the Ninja Convenience Store! Away!

Matt then sped off to the store, Gaara right behind him.

At the Chinese Restaurant,...

Kankuro, noticing the unconscious Tenten: There we go, get her Crow.

The puppet gleefully complied to his master's orders and grabbed the girl.

Kankuro: Good, now that we have all of them let's go back to base.

The two then jumped out the window and sped off into the 12:00 pm. Sunlight.

On the city streets,...

Ino, coming to a realization: Wait, why am I running? It's you she wants.

Shikamaru, running for his life: Because if you help me lose her, I'll give you the best oral sex you've ever had.

Temari, getting out her fan: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

She started swing her fan causing blades of wind to come shooting past the two running ninjas.

Shikamaru: SHIT! THIS IS SUCH A DRAG!

* * *

Boo fucking yeah! Take that people who don't know just how far I am willing to fuck up the story line for no apparant reason! Yayzorz! I like pie! Meeps! 


	6. Chapter 6

Matt here. This'll probably be the last chapter for a while, since I started school today. The only reason I got this one done is because is was 3/4 written. Anyway, don't forget to review. Also, there are much fewer spelling errors since Firefox has it's own spell check. Swezezeet! I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and my religious beliefs. 

Sasuke laid on the ground, blood gushing out of the hole in his head, the world around him getting darker and darker. Then the coldness came. He felt cold and alone, surrounded by nothing but darkness, then the light came. He looked ahead to see a bright warming light, illuminating the tunnel he stood at the end of.

Sasuke, realizing the situation: Hmm, I appear to be dead... now I regret spending my entire life trying to get revenge on my brother... but now, I'll finally have eternal happiness.

Sasuke took walked toward the light until he saw what was at the end of the tunnel. It was a great wide land, with bright green grass, shining clear oceans, his entire clan waiting for him, and off in the distance, what appeared to be a beer volcano and a stripper factory. SWEET!

In the Land of the Living,...

Shizune: Lady Tsunade! You should be doing paperwork! Not strolling through the park playing Shell Games with squirrels!

Tonton: Oink, oink-oink!

Shizune: Ninja squirrels!

Tsunade, blocking a barrage of acorn kunai: I'll get back to it... what the fuck is that?

Shizune: Oh no, I won't fall for that one a... HOLY SHIT! There's a dead 12 year old in that field!

Tsunade: What? Really?

The two ninjas ran over to the body.

Tsunade: It's the Uchiha boy, he appears to be breathing, but slightly... get him to the hospital, NOW!

Shizune: Yes, mam!

Tonton: Oink!

Shizune: I will not pleasure you orally!

Tonton: Oink? Oink oink.

Shizune: Oh, I must have mistranslated there.

They then sped off to the hospital with Sasuke.

Meanwhile, at the ninja convenience store,...

Matt, at the register with his Icee: Ok, I'll take it in 20 $5s, 20 $10s, 10 $50s, 3 $100s, and the rest in beef jerky sticks and porno mags.

Ino, gun barrel in her face: For the last time! This is a flower shop, we don't have any of those things here!

Matt: Oh... uh... quick! Gaara! Plan B!

Gaara ran over and got down on four legs, and Matt jumped onto his back.

Matt, thrusting his katana in the air: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!

A bolt of lighting struck down, ripping off Matt's t-shirt, but leaving his trenchcoat intact for some apparent reason. It also transformed Gaara into a tiger sized Shukaku.

Matt: I HAVE THE POWER!

Matt the rode the Gaara/Shukaku out of the store causing a flaming hole in the wall.

Ino: Holy shit! I am scared immensely by the fact that he robbed me at gun point, but strangely aroused at his open chest.

Matt then burst through the other wall and landed in front of the register.

Matt: Forgot my Icee.

Matt grabbed his Icee and burst through the third wall, leaving a third flaming hole.

In the Land of the Dead,...

Sasuke was busy drinking beer volcano beer while watching strippers pour out of their factory when he noticed a floating noodly mass.

FSM: Sasuke Uchiha! I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster! I am here to enlighten you so that you may spread the word of pirates in your world of ninjas.

Sasuke: What? First of all, how can I do that if I'm dead.

FSM: ... ah fuck!

Sasuke: Secondly, what are these pirates of which you speak?

FSM: It all began in the beginning of time, I was getting bored so I decided to create some stuff...

Meanwhile, in some underground chamber,...

Pat: Where the fuck have you taken me?

Kankuro: You are in the secret headquarters of the secret ninja organization, The Third Wheels.

Pat: What?

Kankuro: It's a organization filled entirely with ninjas who are just on teams to fill the third seat as they serve no purpose to the story whatsoever.

Pat: No, I mean what the fuck kind of name is The Third Wheels? It should be called the Mongooses! That's a cool team name!

Kankuro: Well, since the organization is secret the name is of little importance. We have invited you to join our organization, and nominated you for president.

Pat: Uh, why?

Kankuro: You lack any backstory whatsoever...

Pat: So does our team leader, Matt.

Kankuro: You've only been in one fight...

Pat: Brogan's only been in a duel.

Kankuro: Your mocked almost constantly...

Pat: Yeah, that's a comic relief character, not a third wheel, retard.

Kankuro: Oh... well then, I guess Shino runs unopposed.

Shino, a swarm of bugs behind him: Soon my pretties, we shall rise up, and man-kind shall fall! Mwhahahhahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha!

Pat: What about Tenten? She has no backstory, lost the only fight she's been in, and doesn't have A FAMILY NAME!

Kankuro: Ok, now to vote All in favor of Tenten as President, say Aye! Aye!

Pat: Aye!

Tenten, still unconscious: Snore...

Choji: Aye!

Canadian Stan: Eh!

Kankuro: Ok, now, all in favor of... wait a second... that was Canadian Stan! GET HIM!

Choji and Kankuro then jumped on, then killed Canadian Stan.

Kankuro: Now, all in favor of Shino say...

Shino: I like bugs.

Kankuro: We know Shino.

Shino: I like bugs.

Kankuro: We get it, Shino! Your fucking creepy!

Shino: I like...

Kankuro: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Shino:...

Kankuro: All in favor of Shino as President, say Aye!

Shino: Aye!

Raykura: Eh!

Kankuro: Ok, that's 4 votes for Tenten, and 2 for Shino. Tenten is now the President, Congratu... HEY! That was Raykura, Canadian Stan's brother! GET HIM, TOO!

Kankuro, Choji, and Shino proceeded to kill Raykura as Pat snook out, deciding that this place sucked.

Meanwhile, at the hospital,...

Tsunade, Shizune, and Tonton were looking over Sasuke's slowly dying body.

Shizune: What will we do, Lady Tsunade?

Tsunade: We have the technology. We shall rebuild him! Shizune! Get my tools!

Shizune, holding up a bag: Right here, Lady Tsunade!

Tsunade: Ok, let's begin the operation... duct tape.

Shizune, handing her a roll: Duct tape.

Tsunade the place a piece of duct tape over Sasuke wound.

Tsunade: Ok, all done here. Do get that Sakura girl who has the crush on him, though.

Shizune, shocked at Tsunade: Uh... oooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...

Meanwhile, in The Land of the Dead...

FSM: And that's the story of the universe. Now to tell you the secret to eternal happiness...

Suddenly, Itachi popped out of nowhere.

Itachi: SASUKE!

Sauke, shocked at the sight of his brother in heaven: WHAT?

Another Itachi popped out of nowhere...

Itachis, in unison: SASUKE!

Soon, more and more Itachis appeared until he could only see his brother, and nothing else. The cries of "SASUKE!" was all that he could hear. It was slowly driving him insane.

Back in the land of the living,...

Sakura was sitting by Sasuke's bedside, Lee standing behind her.

Sakura, crying: Sasuke! Sauke! Sauke!...

Lee: Sasuke! You are my eternal rival, if I could survive from a life threating injury, then why cannot you?

Sakura: Sasuke! Sasuke! Sauke, wake up!

Sasuke, eyes slowly opening: Sa... Sa... Sakura?

Sakura: SASUKE! Your awake!

Sasuke, smiling... wait, he's what?: Oh Sakura! Now that my fangirls have left me, and I missed out on learning the secret of eternal happiness, your undying love for me is the only thing in this world to keep me going.

Sakura: Uh... about that... I'm going out with Lee, now.

Sasuke, noticing Lee in his green jumpsuit: ... your kidding, right?

Sakura: No,... I mean, just look at his package!

Sasuke: I'M NOT GAY!

Sakura: Fan fiction disagrees with you there.

Sasuke: What?

Sakura, getting up: Well, I'm glad to see your alright. Me and Lee are going to have hot wild sex in the park now.

Lee: Lee and I.

Sakura: Do you want to do anal, or do you want to correct my grammar?

Lee, putting his head down: I want anal...

Sakura: Good boy! Bye, Sasuke!

Sakura and a more-happy-than-usual Lee exited Sasuke's room, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Sasuke, thinking: I've lost everything that's every brought me happiness... my family... my fangirls... Sakura... I've got nothing left... I know! I'll do what every great man has done when no one likes him! Force my religion on everyone I meet!

And then Sasuke began to think of his plan, but first, he was gonna have to pick up a pirate costume.

---End of Chapter---

Oh wait, forgot one thing,...

Shikamaru, running for dear life: WHY GOD? I'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR 5 HOURS!

Temari: I'll kill you!

Shikamaru, slowing down: Ah, what's the point, death would be easier than all this running.

Temari: And then I'll castrate you!

Shikamaru then gained a huge burst of speed, picking up Ino as he passed her and jumping over the wind blades.

Temari, swinging her fan: WIND SCAR!

A huge slicing blade of energy was now right behind Shikamaru, just barely being outran.

Shikamaru: SHIT! THIS IS SUCH A DRAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

Nothing much to say, except that I will write the Sakura and Lee sex scene if anyone wants it, I'm willing to throw in Tenten, too. Besides that, REVIEW! Do it or I'll rape you in your sleep. And if your in to that sort of thing, get some help after reviewing. I like pie! Meeps! 


	7. Chapter 7

Matt here: Yeah, this is a Sesshomaru chapter, not because I have writers block, I'm just too lazy to actually continue the main plot. But to make up for the long wait, here's my OCs theme songs... ok, they're really the by-product of me spending too much time on Youtube... but cut me some slack.

Matt- _Pervert_ By Nerf Herder

Pat- _Bras on 45 _By Stars on 45  


Brogan- _Best Friend_ By Toy Box

There you go. I have charecter themes now, leave me alone! I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and possibly the four-tailed beast.

Sesshomaru was walking into town as a Giant Four-Tailed Hell Hound spewed Black Fire onto the various houses. The villagers were cowering in fear off to the side.

Sesshomaru: Pathetic mortals! Cowering in fear of such a puny demon! YOU!

The humongous dog turned to face the human size target.

Four Tailed Beast: You dare disturb my mayhem, measly human!

Sesshomaru, grabbing the dog's left leg: NEVER COMPARE ME TO THAT SPEACIES!

Sesshomaru then ripped off the dog's leg, shrunk it with his demon magic, and attached it to his left shoulder.

Four Tailed Beast: What the fuc...

Sesshomaru the ripped of the Four Tailed Beast Head and shoved it up its own ass so far that it vomited out it's own head... I don't know how that's possible either. Suddenly, a shirtless man came out of the crowd.

Man: Wow, you sure know how to anally rape a monster, how about a human?

Sesshomaru: HELLZ YA!

Sesshomaru was about to fuck the man up the ass, when a rift in space appeared right next to him.

Matt, the Author: Sesshomaru! Help! Yaoi Fangirls have taken over the script!

Sesshomaru, snapping out of his trance: Holy Shit! I'm coming!...

The crowd snickered.

Sesshomaru, turning to the screen: You know very well I didn't mean it like that! What are you, 11? Then you shouldn't be reading M-rated fanfics!

Sesshomaru then jumped into the portal, leaving the homosexual man behind.

Matt, the Author: Ok, Fangirls! The jig is up!

Yaoi Fangirl Leader: OMG! IT'S SESSHOMARU AND SOME TALL, BLONDE GUY IN A TRENCHCOAT!

Yaoi Fangirl #2: OMG! IT'S VASH THE STAMPEDE!

Yaoi Fangirl #3: OMG! SESSHOVASH 4 EVER!

The crowd of Yaoi Fangirls then jumped on top of the two, causing a large white box to appear on the screen.

White Box: BATTLE!

Suddenly, background music started and the Yaoi Fangirls were all lined up on one line on the left side and Matt, the Author, and Sesshomaru were on the right.

Matt, the Author: Why the hell are we battling Final Fantasy style? None of this had anything to do with it at all.

Sesshomaru: I don't know, maybe...

Yaoi Fangirl Leader: OMG! I cast "Slash Fic" on Matt, the Author!

Suddenly, the number 200 appeared in front of Matt, the Author, and he fell down.

Sesshomaru: Shit! I cast "Revive"!

Matt, the Author, hopping back up: Shit! Why the fuck did I die? It was only 200 damage!

Sesshomaru, checking the game manual: According to this, your a Black Mage.

Matt, the Author: Shit! I'm screwed. What are you?

Sesshomaru: White Mage!

Yaoi Fangirl #2: OMG! I cast "Cosplay"!

The chick next to her suddenly transformed into the Dark Magician Girl.

Yaoi Magician Girl: OMG! Yaoi Magic Attack!

A flash of rainbow light shot out and hit Matt, the Author, causing a 199 to appear in front of him.

Matt, the Author: I cast "Bondaga"!

Sesshomaru: Isn't it called "Bindaga"?

Matt, the Author: Not the way I use it.

Chains shot out from the ground in between the chicks legs, strapping them into, as Grover Cleavland once said "So that them bitch's juices flowed out rusting up them there chains.".

Yaoi Fangirl Leader: OMG! OH YEAH!

Sesshomaru: I cast "Shinaga"!

The entire line of chicks had MISS appear in front of them.

Sesshomaru: Shit! It didn't work!

Matt, the Author, putting on a Village Hidden in the 70's headband: Quick! Equip the headband!

Sesshomaru, equipping the headband: Okay, why?

Matt, the Author: You'll see!

Suddenly, the bondage chains disappeared.

Matt, the Author: Ok, now! Combo Attack! Kage Level Secret Jutsu! Time Warp No Jutsu!(Oh come on! Don't tell me you didn't see this coming!)

Sesshomaru: Ok.

Matt, the Author and Sesshomaru, singing: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Yaoi Fangirl Leader: OMG! What the hell is the time warp?

Matt, the Author: It's just a jump to the left.

Sesshomaru, singing: And then a step to the right!

Matt, the Author: With your hands on your hips.

Sesshomaru, singing: Bring your knees in tight!

Matt, the Author, and Sesshomaru, singing/ pelvic thrusting: But it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insane,... LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

The Yaoi Fangirls heads then exploded.

White Box, popping up: 3000 XP gained; Received- Fanfic Script

Matt, the Author: Sweet! Now to just teleport back and...

Sesshomaru: Wait a second! Your gonna let me find that so called eviler than me brother next chapter!

Matt, the Author, holding the script: Fine, I'll just... huh,... uh,... What the fuck is going on? I can't change the script!

Sesshomaru: What?

Suddenly, the screen behind Sesshomaru flickered on. A hooded figure appeared.

Figure: Foolish Author! You dare defy the fact that Naruto, Yu-gi-oh GX, and Inuyasha are Yaoi-only categories! You shall pay for you insolence as I have taken away your Authoring powers! Mwhahahahahahahahahaha!

Matt, the Author, shooting a kitten: If I don't have Author powers then how did I do that?

Figure: BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING SICK AND TWISTED IN THE HEAD!

Matt, the Author: Damn right, bitch!

Figure: Wait, what?

Matt, the Author: I shall find you and reclaim my Authoring powers! Away!

Matt, the Author, then dragged Sesshomaru out the door and through the woods, to Grandmother's house they go... wait, that's not right...

---End of Chapter---

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Nothing much to say, except REVIEW OR I WILL RAPE YOUR HOTTEST FEMALE RELATIVE AND SEND YOU THE TAPE! I like pie! Meeps! 


	8. Chapter 8

Matt here: I finally got around to updating this, so enjoy. I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and some delicious pie! YAY! 

Naruto was sitting on the bridge, waiting for Kakashi to come. He was alone as he had just visited Sasuke in the hospital, and Sakura was off with Lee somewhere.

Kakashi, appearing out of a tree: I'm sorry I seem to have gotten lost on the path of life... NARUTO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?

Kakashi had suddenly noticed that Naruto was not wearing his normal coat, but was instead wearing a bright orange speedo.

Naruto, pushing his bulge out: Oh, Kakashi-sensei, I've been a bad ninja, I think you need to use your Secret Finger No Jutsu on me, ... and don't be afraid to use your full power... (EWWWWWWW!)

Kakashi: Naruto, you are gonna tell me what the fuck is going on, or I will kick your ass so hard that the next time you shit, you'll be taking a dump on your own face!

Naruto, pulling back his bulge: Sorry, I just heard that Sasuke tried to kill himself because he lost his fangirls, and that if I did something incredibly gay it would get them back and Sasuke wouldn't want to kill himself anymore!

Kakashi: ... ok, were gonna forget this ever happened, we're not gonna train today, and your gonna get yourself a girlfriend.

Naruto: But Sakura...

Kakashi: And it's not gonna be Sakura.

With that, Kakashi disappeared in a puff of ninja smoke!

Naruto: Ah fuck...

Meanwhile,...

Matt, throwing a kunai at a target: So Gaara, ... how are we gonna get 73h 8008135?

Gaara: What the fuck? Did you just speak with numbers?

Matt: Yeah, it's 1337 speak .

Gaara: Well stop it, it hurts my tattoo.

Matt: Sorry,... I'm just ticked at the Emo love scene in Avatar today, I mean, Zuko and May?

Gaara: Whoa! Her names spelled May? I thought it was spelled Mei?

Matt: Huh... I guess it doesn't matter,... anyway, how are we gonna get teh boobies?

Gaara:... I HAVE AN...

Matt: Without going on a homicidal rampage.

Gaara: I've got nothing.

Matt:...

Gaara:...

Matt:...

Gaara:...

Matt:...

Gaara:... so, we gonna do anything?

Matt: ... nah, a plot device should be coming any second now...

Suddenly, Hinata appeared.

Matt: Right on cue.

Gaara: Matt! Hinata's a girl! Does she got teh boobies?

Matt: No, sadly, Hinata does not get teh boobies until part 2. Right now all she has it that... fine... sweet... ass... can't take it...

Matt then jumped onto Hinata's leg and humped furiously. (Can you blame him?)

Kiba, shouting over the grunts: HEY! That's my leg!

Matt, holding tighter to Hinata's leg: It's mine now!

Kiba started growling, and Matt growled back. The two pounced onto each other and fought, creating one of those cool dust clouds that cover up the violence, like in cartoons!

Gaara: Well, why my friend fights your friend over leg-humping privileges, would you mind explaining what you need?

Hinata: I ... uh... need help confessing my love to Naruto-kun.

Matt and Kiba looked up from their fight.

Matt: Have you tried practicing with that Naruto plushie you have in your coat?

Hinata: Well... uh...

Kiba: She couldn't even confess to that.

Gaara: Have you tried the direct approach?

Hinata: Well... uh...

Kiba: When ever she tries, he always goes on about being Hokage, or ramen, or getting Sasuke back.

Matt: Hmm,.. it seems that we're gonna have to make Hinata hot... ter... then she already is... Quick! Kiba! Fetch me a pair black string panties, a cardboard box, a tube of toothpaste, a flamethrower, a deer, some money from a Monopoly board game, and a mix tape featuring the greatest hits of the eighties!

Kiba then ran off, Akamaru holding on tightly to his hood.

Gaara: ... what do we do while he's gone?

Matt: ... I know! Gaara! Take that sand gourd off your back!

Gaara: No way, man!

Matt: Come on! It's not like a bird will swoop down and take it!

Gaara, taking off his sand gourd: I guess your right...

Suddenly, a bird swooped down and took Gaara's sand gourd, but Gaara punched it in the face, causing it to explode.

Matt: Huh... that was weird...

Suddenly, Gaara's sand gourd got sucked off screen.

Matt: It's YOU!

???: Op hey!

Meanwhile,...

Brogan and Neji were sitting under a tree, enjoying the calming breeze.

Brogan: Hmmm,... it's really nice out isn't it?

Neji: Yeah, it is... huh, what is your friend doing with my teammate.

Brogan: Where?

Neji: Behind us.

Brogan: Why do you have your Byakugan activated?

Neji: I wasn't looking at your boobs!

Brogan: Uh... so... wanna go see what they're doing?

Neji: Yeah, sure.

The two ninjas then quietly followed the other two ninjas to an open field.

Brogan: What the...

The two ninja then jumped onto each other and began making out and removing each other's clothes.

Brogan: Whoa...

The two ninjas had managed to remove each others' shirts, revealing Sakura's boobs and Lee's abs... what? You didn't know that Lee's jumpsuit was a two-piece? How the hell did you think he took a piss? Completely strip?

Neji, thinking: Damn, Sakura has some nice tits.

Neji, out loud: Damn, Lee has some sexy abs.

Brogan: WHAT?

Neji: Ah shit, I said the real thing out loud and the fake thing in my head!

Brogan: Uh... ok...

Meanwhile,...

Pat, dancing: HAMTARO! Little hamsters, Big adventures! MY BEST FRIENDS! We like sunflower seeds! Crumb, crumb, crumb! MY HAM-HAMS!

Meanwhile,... again,...

Shikamaru, jumping in a window: Here at last!

He put Ino down behind the bed and hid behind a chair.

Temari, jumping through the window: SHIKAMARU NARA! GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!  
Shikamaru: NOW!

Shikamaru, Ino, and Choji all jumped out from there hiding spot. Choji had been hiding in the fridge.

Temari: What the fuck?

Team 10: SURPRISE GLOMP!

Temari was pinned to the ground with Team 10 on top of her.

Temari: What the fuck is going on?  
Shikamaru: It's your surprise birthday party.

Temari: My birthday was over a month ago.

Shikamaru: Look, I'm incredibly lazy, it was either this or nothing.

Temari: Fine, just get off of me.

Team 10 then got off the Birthday Girl.

Temari: But I caught you having sex with that Pig-bitch!

Shikamaru: That was to trick you into following me to Choji's room, where we had the party set up.

Temari: So you had sex with your teammate in order to throw a surprise party for me?

Shikamaru: Yes, yes I did.

Temari: That's... that's... that's just... so... sweet!

She then scanned the room to notice that the room only included a large cake and a "Happy Birthday" banner, with "Late" written in between the words.

Temari: So,... is this it or...?

Shikamaru: No, we're gonna meet up with everyone else at The Inebriated Weasel.

Temari: So, what are we gonna do 'till then?

Shikamaru, smirking: Well, I was hoping...

Temari: For the last time! I don't want a threeway with you and Ino for my birthday!

Shikamaru, snapping: Ah man!

--- End of Chapter ---

* * *

So, sorry it was a bit short, but I wanted it to build suspense. Also, the first person to guess who stole Gaara's Sand Gourd gets a red shirt role in the next chapter or two, so enjoy. I like pie! Meeps! 


	9. Chapter 9

Matt here: I actually had this done Wednesday, but I never had a chance to upload it because I had a shitload of homework THursday, I took Friday off, and Saturday I didn't get home till 12am and Bleach was on. I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and Puffula, but he's not in this story so that doesn't matter. 

On the last chapter of One Piece,... I mean, If I were a ninja,...

-

Pat, shaking his hands: IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

-

Matt, hugging Gaara: Ours is a love that can never be, Mr.Flufflybottom.

Gaara: HELP ME!

-

Kiba, noticing the open pen: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

-

Matt: It's you!

-

Temari, drunk and topless: YEEEEHAW! Put another quarter in the mechanical bull!

Shikamaru: For the last fucking time, this isn't a mechanical bull, it's a shopping cart, and we're not in a bar, we're in a Walmart.

-

Seto Kiba: You don't stand a ghost of a chance!

-

Arnold Swartz: MY TORTIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-

Now for this episode... in America!

Pat was waddling down a street when ninjas suddenly appeared.

Pat, waving: Hey.

Ninjas, walking by: Hi!

Pat continued to walk carelessly.

Meanwhile,...

Matt: It's you!...

???: Op hey!

Matt: KIRBY!

Kirby appeared, with a very full mouth.

Gaara: Why is he eating my sand gourd.

Matt: It doesn't matter! Just stop him before...

Kirby then swallowed the sand gourd. He then grew red hair, a sand gourd formed on his back, and a "love" tattoo appeared on his forehead.

Matt: Oh no! Kirby's digivolved to... KIRBY OF THE FUNK!

Background music: Uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, GAARA, oh wait, I mean... KIRBY OF THE FUNK!

Gaara: He stole my background music! The fiend! I'll kill him!

Matt, stopping Gaara and pulling out his sword: No Gaara, we must settle this the way all Japanese people have settled disputes for generations... in a DDR match!

Matt ran up and grabbed Kirby's sand gourd.

Matt: I challenge you to a Xaolin Showdown! My Quarter of 25 cents against your Gourd of Sand! Highest score in DDR wins! GONG YI TEM PI!

Suddenly a DDR panel appeared underneath Matt and Kirby and "With my ninja infocards" started playing.

(I don't care what your doing, open up a new window, go to youtube and type the song title into the search bar and listen to it for the rest of the chapter.)

Matt scoreboard started flashing Perfects as Kirby struggled to reach the different panels.

Meanwhile,...

Pat, walking into the bar: Sweet, now to get my drink on...

Guy: DYNAMIC ENTRY!

Pat: Ah shit.

Guy then knocked Pat unconscious.

Meanwhile,...

Sakura, on her knees: OH LEE! YES! YES! YYYEEESSS!

Lee, thrusting into her: Oh Sakura! I shall pleasure you to the best of my ability.

Sakura: OH LEE! HARDER! FASTER!

Lee: As you wish! CHAKRA GATES... RELEASE!

Sakura: OH YES!... wait, what?

Lee continued to pound into Sakura's pussy harder and faster until blood started flying out and the sound of bones snapping was heard. As Lee regained control, he noticed Sakura on the ground, blood and various other liquids draining from her vagina.

Lee: SAKURA! Are you alright?

Sakura: Lee, my pussy is bleeding internally almost everywhere, my pelvis and legs are almost shattered into hundreds of pieces, and I orgasmed so much I believe I'm critically dehydrated,... but it was the greatest sex I've ever had, so could you take me to the hospital.

Lee, picking Sakura up: Yes, mam!

Sakura, as Lee touched he leg: OH MY FUCKING GOD ON A CRACK HOE BING WITH A PROSTATUTE AND SANTA DRY HUMPING SCOOBY-DOO FOR DRUG MONEY BECAUSE THEY BLEW THEIR PREVIOUS STASH ON HELLO KITTY POSTAGE STAMPS!

Meanwhile,...

Brogan, rubbing herself: That was hot... you thinking what I'm thinking?

Negi: Yeah, but where are we gonna get a German Shepherd to penetrate me anally why I fuck Lee?

Brogan: Uh... how about we just go to the bar, get drunk, then I can slip you a ruffie?

Negi: What was that last part?

Brogan: We're gonna have pie.

Negi: Kick ass!

The two headed to the bar.

Meanwhile,...

Sasuke, at someone's front door in Pirate Regalia: Would you be interested in being touched by his noodly appendage?

Iruka: I'M NOT GAY FOR KAKASHI!

Sasuke: Uh... what?

Iruka: Oh it's just you, Sasuke. I thought it was those damn yaoi fangirls.

Sasuke: Yeah, come to think of it, a lot of gay things have been happening lately with no response... I wonder where they went?

In the Fortress of Yaoi Doom, located in Katie's house,...

Zabuza, shacked naked to wall: YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS YOU MONSTER!

???, stroking a gay cat: Quiet you! Tobi, be a good boy and whip Zabuza.

Tobi, naked and a shackle around his neck: Tobi's a good boy, ...Tobi's a good boy.

Zabuza, being whipped: OH YEAH!

???: What the?

Haku, also naked and chained to the wall: Yeah, he's a masochist. Also, can I get down, I'm a girl, as you notice my genitals happen to be inside my body, see, a cucumber could probably fit in there.

???, turning out the door: Whip them both.

Tobi: Tobi's a good boy.

Back at Iruka's place,...

Sasuke, holding cards: Got any 3's?

Iruka: Go fish.

Matt, the Narrator: You guys are on right now! Stick to the script!

Sasuke: Wait, isn't Matt, the author, bless the very crap he writes, normally the one to do this?

Matt, the Narrator: Yea, but he hasn't been answering his cell lately.

Sasuke: Oh, ok,... uh, where were we... oh right... That was a pretty freakin' long cutscene.

Iruka: Yeah,... what do you want any way?

Sasuke: I want to know if you'd like to switch to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Iruka, slamming the door: No!

Sasuke: Dang it, that's the 987th house in a row.

Iruka, out of his window: NO! It's just the 987th time you went to my house! Go away!

Sasuke, walking away: Aw man...

As Sasuke walked down the street he noticed Naruto in a speedo, which he would normally avoid,but since the fangirls where gone it didn't matter.

Sasuke: What the fuck are you doing Naruto?

Naruto: Sasuke! Your all better! I'm trying to get a date.

Sasuke: Hmm, maybe you'd have better luck if you were a Pastafarian!

Naruto: What's that?

Sasuke: It's a religion in which every Friday is a religious holiday, heaven has a beer volcano and stripper factory, and it's religious foods are pasta and ramen.

Naruto: You had me at ramen.

Sasuke: Ramen was the last word I said?

Naruto: I know, overall you made a very persuasive argument.

Sasuke: Sweet! We just need to convert some people.

Naruto: How about Temari's birthday party at The Inebriated Weasel?

Sasuke: Excellent, people often make terrible, irreversible decisions when drunk, like when you whored yourself out for war funds.

Naruto: That was Griffith from Berserk: The Abridged Series.

Sasuke: Oh, right.

The two then went off to the bar.

Meanwhile,...

Itachi, looking at the village: It was here...

Kisame, in the distance: You might want to see this!

Itachi waled over and starred. There laid the rotting corpse of the 4-tailed beast.

Itachi: We've failed, we must hunt down whoever did this and capture them.

Kisame: So what are we gonna do tonight?

Itachi: The same thing we do every night, Kisame, try and take over the world.

Background singers: They're Kisame and Itachi, Kisame and Itachi. One is a weasel, the other is a shark. The do Akatsuki work, and other stuff for quirks. They're Kisame, Kisame, and Ita-ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-tachi.

Meanwhile,...

Matt, standing over Kirby's blood body: You are not t3h 1337 m4573r!

Matt, tossing Gaara his sand gourd: Here.

Gaara, putting on his sand gourd: That was pretty awesome

Hinata: Uh... yes... it... uh... was... Gaara... of the Funk.

Background music: Uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, GAARA OF THE FUNK!

The three then played Pokemon: Diamond and Pearl as they waited for Kiba to come back.

---End of Chapter---

* * *

Nothing much to say except, REVIEW OR I SHALL CALL UPON THE FORCES OF HELL TO DEVOUR YOUR VERY SOULS! I like pie! Meeps!

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

Yeah, sorry this chapter is so short, but I've been sick for the past few days, too much Halloween candy, and I've been writing in bed, since I haven't updated in a while... but still, I don't make excuses... unless it benefits me... or hurts someone else. Anyway, remember to review, and enjoy. I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and Brogan, thanks to loopholes in U.S. Slavery laws.

Matt: W00t! I now have completed the Pokedex!

Gaara: No fair! You used the Global Trading System and an Action Replay!

Hinata, blushing wildly: I, ...,uh... just finished it,... uh... as well.  
Gaara: What?

Kiba, throwing his DS aside: Done, that games over with.

Matt: Oh Gaara! You so just got pwned by Kiba... wait... Kiba? When the fuck did you get back?

Kiba: About an hour ago, when you were offering to eat Hinata out for her Munchlax.

Matt, hugging his DS: I love you, Sir Munchalot.

Gaara: So, you got the goods?

Kiba: Yup.

Gaara: Ok. Matt, whats the plan?

Matt: we spend five hours preparing Hinata for Temari's birthday party.

Gaara: How the hell did you know Temari was having a party? Magic? Author Connections? Lack of caring?

Matt: No, we found that invitation on the ground outside Tenten's house, remember.

Gaara: Oh right.

Meanwhile,...

Tenten, looking into her mailbox: No mail for me today... maybe I'll get invited to a party tomorrow.

Tenten then sulked back to her house to eat ice cream, watch romance movies, and kill kittens... you know, all the stuff girls do when they're depressed.

Back at the other place,...

Matt: Ok! Let the 5 hour process begin!

Hinata: Uh... Matt... uh...

Matt: Quiet Hinata! We gots to make you sexalicious!

Hinata: Matt... uh... we... uh...

Matt: Shhh, I've got to work!

Hinata: But... uh...

Matt: HINATA!

Kiba: She's trying to say we only have 10 minutes.

Matt: Fuck.

Gaara: What are we gonna do now?

Matt, spiking his hair up: Don't worry. I have a plan?

Gaara: Does it involve boobies?

Matt: Yes.

Gaara: SWEETUMS!

At the party,...

Temari: Ok, we got snacks, check. Open bar, check. Pinata, check. Sleeping boyfriend, ch... WHERE THE FUCK IS SHIKAMARU?

Ino, off in the distance: OH YES! RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE! FASTER! FASTER! OH GOD YES!

Temari, getting out her fan: That fucking bitch.

Meanwhile,... again...,

Brogan, looking around Neji's room: Hmm, it's nice in here.

Neji, adjusting his hat: It is, not as nice as the main branches, but still.

Brogan, sitting on this bed: This bed is sooo soft.

Neji, looking in the mirror: Yeah, it is.

Brogan, arching her back: It's... orgasmic.

Neji, turning around: Brogan, what are you... I see your not wearing panties... oh right, I supposed to be aroused by this... WHEE!

Neji the jumped onto the bed next to Brogan and began to do naughty things to each other that if I told you your very genitals would convert to Scientology out of shear confusion.

Meanwhile, in the Inebriated Weasel's back room...

Pat, blindfolded and tied to a chair: Take this blindfold off so that I can glare at you and make you feel uncomfortable!

Might Guy: Never! I will not release you until you have seen the light of the youthful manly lotus blossom of the heart!

Pat: You are aware I'm a ninja right?

Might Guy: It does not matter as I have tied you up with the most youthful of all tying things!

Pat: Bondage Leather?

Might Guy: No, rope!

Pat: What ever. I've got to go, so I'll just finish this now with the most powerful jutsu in my arsenal.

Might Guy: You don't mean...

Pat: Yes! VICTORY NO JUTSU!  
Might Guy, untying Pat: Aw man,... I really thought I had you in my youthful manly clutches.

Pat, walking out the door into the party: Whatever loser.

Meanwhile,...

Kiba: 5 minutes.

Matt: Shit! Gaara, got the stuff set up.

Gaara: Yeah.

Matt: Good, let's do it.

* * *

RRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW! I like pie! Meeps! 


	11. Chapter 11

Matt here: Nothing much to say except to review when you finish, and yeah, the birthday party is next chapter. I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and an Internet connection that decided to be a bitch on me.

Previously,... on Avatar... I mean If I were a ninja...

Shit was going down, I repeat, shit was going down.

Now this episode...

Brogan: NEJI! NEJI! NNNNEEEEJJJJIIII!

Meanwhile,...

Matt, Gaara, Hinata, and Kiba were surrounded by random crap.

Matt, elbowing an mp3 player: Ehhhhhhhhhhh!

Mp3: huh!... ...the hours approaching to give it your best, and you've got to reach your prime. That's when you need to put yourself to the test and show us the passage of time! We're gonna need a montage! MONTAGE! Ooo it takes a montage! Montage!

Kiba: What the hell? How is this...

Matt, interrupting: Just let it do it's thing.

Mp3: Show lots of things happening at once, remind everyone of what's going on!

Matt and the rest were playing monopoly.

Mp3: With every shot show a little improvement, to show it all would take to long! That's called a montage! MONTAGE! Girl we wanna montage! MONTAGE!

The people were shooting a deer with a flamethrower.

Mp3: In anything if you want to go, from just a beginner to a pro, you need a montage! MONTAGE! Even Rocky had a montage!

Matt and company were putting toothpaste on a cardboard box while Matt wore black, string panties on his head.

Mp3: Always fade out in a montage... MONTAGE... if your fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage... montage...

Everyone was fully dressed in party clothes, which was what they normally wore, except Hinata, who sported a strapless dark blue dress, which is only being mentioned because it complimented her "chest" well... BOOBS!

Kiba, mouth filled with drool: .jnsgluieasjkfbsmhfgzdsj

Hinata, blushing profusely: ... uh...What? But how... we didn't even do anything closely related to this.

Matt: Thus is the power of the montage.

Kiba, momentarily stopping his drooling over Hinata due to his confusion: Wait, we now have 15 minutes to get to the party... how the fuck...

Matt: MONTAGE!

Kiba: That doesn't...

Matt: MMOONNTTAAGGEE!

Kiba: Fine!

And with that the group of ninjas fled off to the party to get down with their bad selves.

Meanwhile,...

Temari came flying through the window of the building to find... Shikamaru rubbing Ino's feet?

Ino: Oh hi, birthday girl!

Temari, confused: What... what's going on? I thought you were getting it on like dogs in heat.

Pat, from the street below: WOOOOOOOO!

Ino, puzzled as well: What? Have sex with this lazy ass guy again? He's paying me back right now for sleeping with him during the surprise party plan.

Shikamaru: This is such a drag!

Pat, still from the street below: SO'S YOUR MOM!

Temari: Wait, so the pleasure you got during sex wasn't payment?

Ino: Please, like Shikamaru could please me.

Pat, STILL from the street below: OR ANY WOMAN!

Shikamaru, stopping his massaging duties: Excuse me.

Shikamaru got onto the floor, closed his eyes, and made a hand sign.

Temari: What are you...

Suddenly,...

Pat, outside on street below: What the... OW! OH DEAR GOD! MY NUTS! OOOOOWWWW! THIS PAIN IS UNIMAGINABLE! IT'S LIKE SOME KIND OF SHADOW IS CRUNCHING MY NUTS INTO A FINE POWDER! OWWW! WHY GOD? WHY!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOWWWW!

Suddenly, the noise stopped, and Shikamaru got up.

Shikamaru, smirking: Let's go to the party.

Meanwhile,...

Sakura was in a hospital bed, bandaged up, while Lee sat next to her.

Lee, holding her hand: Sakura! You must come! It is unyouthful to miss a party!

Sakura: Lee, I have 498 broken bones. There aren't even that many in the human body, so they suspect that you may have accidentally pushed a kitten into my ass, raped it, the pounded it into a bloody heap of fur and bone.

Lee:... your point?

Sakura, sighing: Just go to the party without me. I'll be fine.

Lee, jumping up: Ok Sakura, but I shall be twice as youthful then normal to make up for you!

Lee then scurried out the door and drop kicked a few nurses accidentally on his way out.

Tsunade, appearing beside her pupil: I don't get what you see in him.

Sakura, looking at her teacher: Did you see the size of that bulge?

Tsunade: I really could care less about men's penises, I hit menopause 4 years ago.

Sakura: What about last week when I caught you and Jiraya in your office giving him a blow job?

Tsunade: Look... I was horny! That's the only excuse I need!

Sakura: No it...

Tsunade, yelling at full force: I'M HOKAGE! WHEN YOUR HOKAGE YOU CAN MAKE THE RULES!

Sakura, shrinking into her bed: eep...

--- END OF CHAPTER ---

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Just review or I shall send a squadron of lesser demons to rape you in your sleep! I like pie! Meeps! 


	12. Chapter 12

Matt here: I'm here to give you one long ass chapter, as payment for my slow updates,... also I've been sick, then snow dayed,... then sick again, so I didn't have much to do besides write,... so tell me what you think about the new style of writing, or if It's better the old way... not that I'll take your opinion into consideration, I'll just do whatever the hell I feel like! Because I'm American! Fuck yeah! I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and Dr Pepper! Tasty and refreshing! Drink some today!... YAY! Ad revenue! Or for my retarded readers, advert revenue... hehe... retards! 

Last time on whatever the hell this is called,...

The Crocodile Hunter and his wife were on his front porch.(Note: I know 2 Australian words, so excuse me if this is a little fake, you Australian bitch... what?)

While opening his car door, Steve Irwin said "Good'ay love!"

"Ok, but promise me you won't do anything dangerous." Terri Irwin replied as her husband left

"Don't worry, I'll just be filming some harmless Stingrays today, no danger whatsoever, so no worries." said Steve to his wife in the driver's seat.

Terri looked lovingly as she watched her husband drive away.

'At least I don't have to worry about him dying today.' Terri thought as she went back into her house.

Now back to the current chapter,...

Matt, Gaara, Kiba, and Hinata were waiting outside the bar, preparing to go in. Hinata was blushing wildly and refusing to go in.

"But Hinata! Naruto's going to be in there! And since you like Naruto, it's kind of important that your in their." Kiba pleaded to his blushing teammate.

"But... Kiba... I ... uh... can't... Naruto... me... AHHH!..." Hinata stuttered through her mad blushing.

"But Hinata! You've..."

"How about I field this one Kiba." Matt interrupted, getting up to Hinata and grasping her hand. "Mademoiselle, beauty such as yours deserves to have anything you desire."

"If Naruto is what you desire, you should take him." Matt continued, holding her chin, staring into his eyes." ...I can only wish that it was I you desired."

"Uh... UH... UH..." Hinata stuttered, until she blushed so wildly that her brain short circuited and she fainted.

Matt shook his head, messing up his hair back to normal.

"Wow dude, that was quite effective" Gaara commented, examining Hinata's smoking hot unconscious body and beginning to smirk. " You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That we should rape her unconscious body?" Matt questioned, face brighting up.

"Yeah!" Gaara exclaimed.

"You guys do know there's no way in hell me or Akamaru are letting you do this." Kiba said, Akamaru snarling at them from atop his head.

"Oh, I think you will." Matt said, drawing his katana.

Matt and Kiba starred at each other for a long time until Pat walked up behind him.

"WASSUP!" Pat screamed while jumping in the air, only to fall like a pathetic mortal.

"Oh, hey Pat, come on! Let's go party! You know Gaara." Matt said, ignoring Kiba's gaze and pointing to Gaara.

"Hey, I'm Pat" Pat said, shaking Gaara's hand.

"I'm Gaara of the Funk." said Gaara, returning the handshake.

"Uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, uh-chi, GAARA OF THE FUNK! " sang the Background Singers.

"Whoa! Your name has background music to it! Fuck yeah!" exclaimed Pat in such glee that his barely healed testicles ruptured, causing him to pass out from blood loss.

"So... wanna go inside?" said Matt, getting bored fast.

"Yeah, should we bring these guys in?" asked Gaara, looking at the two unconscious bodies below him.

"Probably, I take Hinata, you and Kiba take Pat." Matt said, lifting Hinata over his shoulder.

Gaara and Kiba breathed heavily as they attempted to move Pat inside, but no one cares about what happens after this, so let's just skip ahead until Sasuke and Naruto get here.

Later,... not really much later though,... about the kind of later that you could cook a burrito, come back, eat it, then watch half an episode of Robot Chicken, then it would be over...

The party had started. Temari was looking over everything, Shikamaru at her side, in a recliner. Ino and Kiba were currently playing a match of DDR, Akamaru was barking at the machine, Shino was in the corner proclaiming his deep love of bugs, Kankuro was hitting on random chicks, Choji was devouring the snack bar, Hinata was blushing furiously at the bar with Matt beside her, hitting on random chicks, Brogan and Negi were making out at a table, Gaara was hitting on random chicks, Lee was over-proclaiming his youthfulness to everyone, and Pat was at the other end of the bar, hitting on random chicks. The place was full, except for the empty stage near the back. Naruto and Sasuke had yet to arrive.

"Hey, how about you and me get it on like dogs in heat?" asked Matt, smirking devilishly.

"How about I spray you with mace?" said the random chick reaching for her purse.

"Ok then, be a lesbian." snipped back Matt.

"Hmph!" said the chick as she stormed out of the bar.

Matt sat back in his seat and fondled his drink, as an extremely sweaty Kiba walked up to him, with Akamaru and Pat behind him.

"What up Matt? No luck with the ladies?" commented Kiba, shaking off his sweat. "I just got done getting my ass handed to me by Ino."

"More like getting raped in the ass by Ino, you didn't get a single point!" snarked Pat.

"Well excuse me for being distracted by Ino's Bouncing Bags of Bewilderment."

"Well her Tumbling Tits of Titillation are very distracting."

"So you admit I lost because of Ino's Hopping Handwarmers of Happiness?"

"I guess her... shit... I can't think of one..."  
"Fumbling Funbags of Fuckability." Matt responded.

"...were a factor" Pat finished.

"Good, we're on the same page." Kiba said, "Now Matt, I have a question that's been bugging me."  
"Shoot." said Matt.

"Well, why haven't you ever hit on Brogan? She seems hot enough?" Kiba asked, looking to see Brogan sitting alone, as Negi had gone to stare at penises in the urinals.

"What? Brogan? She's like a sister to me,..." answered Matt, not knowing Brogan could hear.

'He thinks about me like that, that's sweet.' thought Brogan, blushing slightly.

Matt continued," ... like a fine ass sister,... who doesn't wear clothes all the time."

Brogan the filled to the brim with rage, picked up a chair and threw it at Matt, knocking him to the ground, unconscious.

"Yo! Dat bitch just throwed a chair, wez gots ta fight now, dawgs!" 50 Ryou, a ninja rapper yelled. (Really bad Boondox reference.)

He was kicked out soon after.

Later, more than the last later, but not by much,...

Temari was pacing around the back room of the bar, with Shikamaru laying down on some crates of tiny umbrellas.

"Shikamaru, honey, where the fuck is the band?" asked Temari, slowly losing her patience.

"Huh, what?" Shikamaru said, eyes averting away from Ino's Jiggling Jellybags of Joy.

"You were supposed to book the band. Remember." Temari stated, with a vain starting to appear on her forehead.

"Huh...oh shit!" remembered Shikamaru, starting a flashback.

FLASHBACK!

"OH SHIKAMARU YES! YES! YES! OH YES!" moaned Ino as Shikamaru thrusted inside of her.

FLASHBACK ENDS!

"Sweet."Shikamaru said with a smile beaming across his face.

"You prick! You just used the flashback to go to the Ino sex! Didn't you?" yelled Temari, vain bulging to enormous proportions.

Suddenly, a group of 4 Irishmen walked through the back door.

"'ello, were U2, were here to play at Temari's birthday and were hired by some guy named,..." said the lead singer as he pulled out a card "Shino, I like bugs,... and I'm Bono."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" screeched Temari as she fainted.

"Is she gonna be ok?" asked Bono.

"Yeah, she'll be... yawn... fine." Shikamaru replied.

Meanwhile, a bit later,...

"Uh... what happened?" Matt spewed out as he regained consciousness.

"You were knocked out by a chair to the head." responded Brogan, sitting next to him.

"No, I meant why in Negi staring at my crotch?" Matt said, pointing out Negi's fixed hungry gaze at Matt's pants.

"Negi! No! No boyfriend of mine is going to turn gay on me!" yelled Brogan, slapping Negi on the head.

"Ow! That was uncalled for!" whined Negi, like a little bitch.

Brogan was about to hit Negi again when Temari got up on the empty stage and onto the mic.

"Excuse me, people." said Temari, smiling at Shino. "I'm proud to introduce the entertainment for tonight, the band U2!"

"Mewtwo!" exclaimed Matt as he regained consciousness, then threw a Pokeball at the stage.

"Who the fuck is that blimey..." said Bono before the Pokeball opened sucking him and his bandmates inside.

"What the hell did that idiot do?" gaped Temari, as Matt picked up the Pokeball.

"I caught Mewtwo! Do-Da-De-Do!" sang Matt as he shot his hand into the air.

"Don't worry, I got a back-up band." said Shino from the back.

"Uh... thanks... but... why would you possibly need one?" stuttered Temari from the stage, a confused look glued to her face.

"I like bugs." stated Shino, through his sunglasses, causing Temari's confusion to grow.

"...but... that... but... how is that an answer?" blurted Temari, as three brothers approached her from behind.

"Hey, were the replacement band, The Bee Gees!" said Barry.

"The Beedrills! Pokeball Go!" yelled Matt as he threw a Pokeball at the stage, sucking the band inside. Matt then walked up to the stage again to pocket the Pokeball.

"Why? ... wait... I didn't invite..." said Temari before she was interrupted by the members of Queen.

"Hey, we're Queen, the back-up, back-up band." said Freddi Mercury.

"DarkGreymon! Digivice go!" yelled Matt, throwing a Digivice at the band, which sucked them inside. "Yeah! I caught DarkGreymon!"

"What... but... that's one didn't even sound like a monster!" exclaimed Temari, her confusion level rising to over 9000! "That's not even how a Digivice works!"

Suddenly, a band appeared behind Temari, then whispered something into her ear. She then walked up to the mic and looked around nervously.

"Um... ok... here's our back-up, back-up, back-up band... gulp.." said Temari as she looked around the bar nervously, to be put at ease by Brogan giving a thumbs-up to her next to a duct taped Matt. "...the Black-Eyed Peas."

The party the continued... what... the chapter's not over yet... I'm just giving you all a break to take a piss or get some snacks or something... done yet?... no?... okay then... I'll just load some catgirl porn... sweet... catgirls... oh, it's all over her ears... oh, she's a dirty girl... you ladies feeling uncomfortable yet? ... she swallowed it all!... ok ... it's over... Now, BACK TO THE CHAPTER!

"Arr! Naruto has entered the building, me harteys!" pirated Naruto as he burst through the door, wearing full pirate regalia.

"Giyarr! I be Sasuke!" pirated Sasuke, coming in right behind Naruto.

The two walked over to the bar and sat next to Matt, Pat, and Gaara.

"Hey Matt, would you be interested in converting to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?" asked Naruto, adjusting his eye patch as he sat on the stool closest to Matt.

"Nah, I'm technically a priest, just never bothered to fake a document saying so." Matt replied, sipping his Flaming DrPepper.

"Ah man, I was hoping for a convert today." whined Naruto, looking down in depression.

"I knows! How... hic... about you try... hic... Hinata? She ... hic... likes... hhdhhdh." mumbled Matt, until he fell off his stool and fell asleep on the floor.

"How the hell did he pass out drunk? That was his first drink." asked Sasuke, confused slightly.

"That Flaming DrPepper a strong ass drink. They say it's like someone took the Special Olympics and condensed it into drink form." answered Pat, picking up his drunken friend and putting him back on his stool.

"Uh... oookkkk, I guess I'll go over and tell those women about the almighty FSM, arr." pirated Sasuke as he went off to the ladies.

"I guess I'll talk to Hinata." said Naruto, getting off his stool and walked over to Hinata.

Suddenly, Lee appeared out of nowhere behind Gaara.

"Hello my extremely youthful friends! Gaara, I hope that my eternal rival is having a very youthful time!" youthed Lee as he rested his arms on Gaara.

"Lee! What's going on?" asked Gaara, eyes brighting up.

"I was wondering if you wished to participate in the most youthful of all events, a DDR match!" youthed Lee, doing a youthful pose of manly lotus blossoms.

"Sweet! Matt come on! We're playing DDR!" yelled Gaara, jumping up from his stool.

"DDR!" yelled Matt, defying all logic by getting up from a drunken coma.

Matt, Gaara, and Lee then went to play DDR leaving Pat to drink with Kiba.

Meanwhile, at Sasuke's spot,...

"Hey baby, how'd ye like to be touched by his noodly appendage?" asked Sasuke, smirking contently.

"Pervert!" yelled the random hot chick, slapping Sasuke across the face.

"What?... OH, I think you thought I was referring to my penis, when I was only trying to convert you to Pastafarianism." explained Sasuke.

"Oh, I love religious freaks! Please explain more about this 'Pastafarianism'." said the random hot chick, and Sasuke began explaining his newfound religion.

Meanwhile, at Naruto's spot,...

"Hey Hinata, I was wondering if I could implant a part of me inside of you." said Naruto, looking Hinata straight in the eyes.

"Naruto-kun!... uh... uh... uh... UH..." blushed Hinata and she blushed herself unconscious.

"My religious beliefs... Hinata?" finished Naruto, as he noticed Hinata had fainted and was on the ground. "Whoa, I better take you home, you don't look to good."

So Naruto picked Hinata up, with Kiba's help, and put her on his back, and walked out the door, then ninjaed off into the night.

A few second earlier,...

"Whoa, that guy works fast." a sober Matt commented, seeing Naruto leave.

Gaara was busy selecting the song and he and Matt were on the dance pads, with Lee as the spectator.

"Ok, let's get this bitch started." said Gaara, seeing the countdown begin on the screen.

"Yeah!" cheered Matt, getting hyped up on the other pad.

Meanwhile,...

"Hey Kiba, what are your opinion on doggy style versus other varieties?" asked Pat, fondling his booze.

"There are others?" questioned Kiba, fondling his doggy bag of steak bites... what?... steak bites are delicious!

"... you are a god among men." commented Pat, as Brogan walked up behind him.

"Hey Pat, wasn't Matt unconscious right here?" asked Brogan, she then slapped Pat. "My eyes are up here!"

"Ow... uh... you wanted Matt?... uh... I think he's over there... playing some DDR." mumbled Pat, rubbing his cheek in his drunken stupor.

"Oh, DDR... YOU LET HIM DO WHAT!" screamed Brogan, as her eyes widened and she turned her head to see Matt on the DDR pad. "Oh for the love of good, please don't be '90's girl pop."

Back at the DDR machine,...

"So anyway Gaara, what song did you pick?" asked Matt, the countdown at 3.

"Bumble Bee, Shino requested it." answered Gaara, the countdown at 2.

"Bumble Bees are bugs." said Shino, the countdown flashing 1. "I like bu..."  
"We get it Shino! Your fucking creepy!" yelled Matt, the game starting behind him. "Ah shit!"

"Sweet little Bumble Bee,..." sang the machine. (No idea how the rest goes... honestly...)

Matt's eyes glazed over and arrows started appearing all over the bar. The machine started speeding up to a ridiculous pace, Gaara trying hard to keep pace, Matt going on flawlessly.

"What the fuck is going on?" screamed Choji, face lifting from the snack bar.

"The are participating in the most youthful of all events. The super youthful DDR match!" exclaimed Lee, he then picked up someone's booze. "My! All this youthfulness has left me parched!"

Lee then drunk the entire glass.

"_DDR DEATH NO JUTSU!_" yelled Matt, a satanic tone taking over his voice, causing Gaara to encase himself in his sand shield.

"DUCK AND COVER!" yelled Brogan, as she jumped behind the bar, taking Pat and Kiba with her.

Matt suddenly burst into a shadowy inferno as Lee started swaying in his drunkenness, then the two went on a rampage destroying bar tables and pummeling random people to a bloody pulp. After about an hour the two managed to settle down and Lee fell to the ground unconscious.

"Whoa,... sweet." said Matt, sitting in a burning pile of wreckage.

Suddenly, Temari emerged from a similar pile, undoubtedly pissed to no extent, except maybe slightly less then your average period level pissed.

"WHAT THE FUCK ASS FUCK BADGER?" bitched Temari, head turning completely red. "OUT! YOU! NOW!"

"What? I'll have you know,..."said Matt, pulling Brogan from behind the bar by her shirt, partly exposing her boobies' undersides, earning her some whistles from the audience. "That this is Brogan! She is one of my close friends, not matter what she says or does! If I go, she goes!"

A short while later, on the street outside,...

"What? How was I supposed to know she'd kick us out?" replied Matt, Brogan pinning him to the ground, beating the hell out of him, Pat snickering in the background.

"YOU FUCKING DESTROYED THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLACE!" yelled Brogan, punching Matt again. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?"

"Brogan! I'm taking Lee home! Love ya!" said Negi, with Lee on his back, but he went unheard.

"It's not my fault, girl pop just does something to me! It's like you and your dog fetish!" said Matt, moving his head to dodge a punch flying at him.

" I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR OWN SKULL!" threatened Brogan, a blood lust in her eyes.

"You wouldn't do that." interrupted Pat, still in the background.

"Oh, yeah she would! I saw her do it! You know that one guy Steve?" commented Matt, head dodging a flurry of punches aimed at him.

"From accounting?" asked Pat, checking out Brogan's fine ass from his nice viewpoint. (Man, Brogan would kill me if she knew this existed.)

"No, the field agent." replied Matt, still dodging.

"Oh... the act itself doesn't seem physically possible." replied Pat, tip-toeing up to look down her pants.

"That's exactly what he kept screaming as she did it. 'THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSUCALLY POSSIBLE!'" said Matt, finally getting whacked across the face.

"Oh! That's nice!" yelled Pat, due to Brogan's previous blow revealing her panties, black lace and all.

"Why Pat? You don't normally compliment my fighting..." started Brogan, then she noticed Pat's eyes." YOU FUCKING FAT PERV! YOU WERE LOOKING DOWN MY PANTS!"

"Hey, I've had a close-up of your boobs this entire time." commented Matt, eyes perved over.

"_WHAT_?" sataned Brogan, looking at Matt with eyes of fire.

"Uh... Pat's a fat perv?" narked Matt, closing his eyes.

Brogan the got up and chased after Pat, with Matt on the sidelines, chilling because Brogan lacked a sports bra. About an hour later, Brogan tired out and Pat lost 15 lbs.

"Ah screw it, I give u..." Brogan managed to say before she passed out.

"W00t! Speedy weight loss side effects kicking in!" cheered Pat before he fell unconscious.

Matt got up and his head began to burn and the world turned blurry.

'Shit, I must have used up too much energy... uh... can't leave these two out in the streets. I gotta get them back to the apartment.' thought Matt, as he stumbled over and put his two teammates onto his back and slowly went home.

--- End of Chapter ---

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I hope you enjoyed this long ass chapter, and don't forget to review or else I'll kill this kitten, and you don't want me to kill this kitten, do you? I like pie! Meeps! 


	13. Chapter 13

He, Matt here. Just thought I'd give you a Holiday chapter as a gift, so I expect you to give me a gift in the form of a review, a good one too, **NOT** that _'Like, OMG! This is t3h uber gewd!'_. Got it? Good. I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and possibly an ass kicking from Brogan. Read on, you'll see.

The sunlight streamed into the room through the open window, the sound of birds chirping filled the room, and the warmth of flesh rose up into his skin... wait what?

'What the hell? Where am I? How did I get into bed? Why did Canada get Avatar before us?' thought Matt, eyes shooting open. 'And what is making this warmth?'

"...Hmph,... morning lover." said a sleepy-eyed Brogan, rising from Matt's embrace, topless... oh yeah.

"..." gasped Matt, eyes drifting down from her eyes to her boobs.

"Didn't you get enough of these last night?" asked Brogan, smirking while still not wearing a top.

"Last night?... You mean we...?" questioned Matt, becoming more and more confused.

"Yeah,... don't you remember? You rocked my world, then again, and again, then we had a small lunch, then a fourth time." stated Brogan, a look of puzzlement coming over her topless face.

"Uh... yeah, of course... I... gotta go..." said Matt, jumping out of bed and out of the apartment.

"Wait! Matt, you're not wearing any clothes!" yell Brogan out of the window, but Matt kept running.

Meanwhile, in the room over...

"Huh?" mumbled Pat, as the screaming awoke him. He then looked outside to see Matt running naked through the streets. "Sweet! Naked Party!"

Pat then ripped off his clothes and jumped out the window, yet again forgetting his was 5 stories high and fell face-first into the pavement below. His world went dark as he blacked out.

Meanwhile, in Hinata's room,...

"Uh... what happened?" said a tired Naruto rubbing his head.

"Naruto-kun... Mmm, Naruto-kun..." mumbled a slumbering Hinata, as she snuggled against her love.

"Huh? Why are we sleeping in the same bed? Did we have a sleepover? When me and Sasuke have a sleepover I don't normally wake up as naked as this, and my mouth doesn't taste as salty..." pondered Naruto aloud. "... from all the pretzels we eat, and then we stick our wieners into each others buns,... then eat them. Hot dogs are delicious!"

"Oh!..." moaned Hinata in her sleep, causing her to orgasm all over Naruto's leg.

"Eww, she peed on me!" said Naruto getting up and putting on some pants, Hinata's to be exact.

Naruto ninjaed out of the window, and since he's a ninja, didn't fall 5 stories and knock himself unconscious like a fucking moron.

Meanwhile,...

"Hey! That's not funny!" whined Pat, face-down in the pavement.

Meanwhile, at Lee's pad,...

"It is by far a very youthful day indeed!" youthed Lee as he pranced about his apartment in the nude.

"Uh... where the fuck am I... and why do I feel anally satisfied?" asked Neji, as he looked around to see a naked Lee. "Oh right, I took sexual advantage of Lee while he was weak in a night I remember completely."

"Wait? What? You did what?" gasped Lee, not saying youthful at all. " I thought we had a sleepover, which would explain why I'm naked, and that we ate a bunch of pretzels, which is why my mouth taste salty."

"No, I took advantage of you in your moment of weakness, had you fuck me up the ass, then you blew me." Neji said calmly, remembering everything about it.

"I don't remember anything about that!" yelled Lee as he ninjaed out the window and through the streets naked.

"I love that ass of his." homoed Neji, as he started masturbating to Richard Simmons tapes.

Meanwhile, at Shikamaru's house...

"Ah! Where the fuck am I?" screamed Shikamaru.

"You're so lazy you fell asleep as we made love, like always." said an extremely unsatisfied Temari.

"Oh, I though I..." said Shikamaru before he dozed off.

"Thank god for vibrators." said Temari as she got up and pulled a box out of her closet.

Meanwhile,... in the middle of town,...

"Hey is that Matt? And is he naked?" thought Gaara aloud, while he was shopping for an extra large jockstrap. (Really bad tanuki joke)

"No time to talk! Must find Kiba!" shouted Matt, picking Gaara up as he ran by.

Meanwhile, ... in Kiba's room,...

"I like bugs... right hand red... bugs..." said Shino, holding a Twister spinner.

"Uh,... there we go." grunted Kiba as he placed his hand on the red circle.

"Uh... uh... whoa!" screamed Choji as he fell down on top of Kiba, shoving his crotch into Kiba's face.

"Ah god, ... this couldn't be any gayer." mumbled Kiba, through a mouthful of crotch.

Suddenly, Matt, with Gaara attached, burst into the room from one wall and Lee burst in through the opposite one, both completely naked.

"Quick! Kiba! I need your help!" said Matt "I had sex with Brogan!"

"Ok,... good for you, but why are you naked." said Kiba, getting up from his game of Twister.

"I'm what?" asked Matt.

"Uh, never mind. So congratz." said Kiba, looking away to prove he wasn't gay.

"You don't understand! One, she's a friend, and I goes against guy code to sleep with a friend. And two, I don't remember it!" yelled Matt.

"You don't remember what happened last night either, eh?" said Lee, gaining a Canadian accent.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! This isn't an abridged series! You'll get rid of that fucking Canadian accent right now!" yelled Matt, pointing at Lee anti-Canadian.

"That is fine! May I as though, why do you dislike the youthful Canada?" asked Lee youthfully.

"It's just that... that... they got to see 'The Western Air Temple' before the US." complained Matt.

"You two realize your both naked, right?" commented Kiba.

"That is why I am here! My youthful friend Neji committed sodomy onto by rectum, yet I retain no memory of such an event" whined Lee youthfully.

"And I got to sex Brogan hard, but me head no remember right." said Matt.

"And I was dragged here by a naked guy." whined Gaara, being a little bitch.

"Oh! I know! I heard someone talking about that in the buffet!" added Choji, getting up from the ground.

"Well spit it out, man!" stated Kiba, turning to see a non-naked man.

"Oh, it's all the work of someone called..." said Choji.

"DATTEBYO!" screamed a girl pants wearing Naruto as he crashed through a third wall, knocking Choji to the ground, causing him to blackout.

"Naruto, have I ever told you that you suck incredibly?" asked Kiba as he looked at Naruto.

"No, not this week at least." commented Naruto, still wearing girl pants... why this matters? Girl pants don't have room for ... let's say "crotch expansion", and he had run by a ramen shop on the way over... figure it out for yourself... penis...

"Hmm, I'd kill you, but I'm not secure enough in my sexuality to touch you right now." stated Kiba, trying not to look down.

"I like bugs." creeped Shino.

"We get it, Shino! Your fucking creepy!" yelled Matt as the scene changed to somewhere in a dark place of ultimate evil, a shoe store.

"Like, OMG, that was like, such an evil plan! I'm, like, sure they all had hot yaoi sex with that memory spell you cast on the town." commented a random yaoi fangirl as she tried on a pair of high heels.

"Silence peon! Your queen will tell you when she wishes you to speak! She is _fabulous_!" said Uke, a tall red haired boy, standing beside his mistress... in the medieval term, not the cheating on your wife term.

"It's ok, Uke, she may speak. But I must thank you. It's because of you I even found out about this injustice to fanfiction. I'm glad I found you on the side of the road that day." complimented the mysterious figure sitting on the shoe bench.

"As I am glad you found me, mistress. It was quite _fabulous_ of you to do so." commented Uke, swishing his hair.

"Like, Lady Sweetsong! OMG! We have a problem!" yelled a random yaoi fangirl as she burst into the store.

"Fine. Come, Uke, we have work to do." said Sweetsong as she rose.

"As you wish, mistress." said Uke, getting up and following her out the door.

--- End of Chapter---

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What the hell? This chapter included plot? What manner of witchcraft is this? Demons! Now go back up to the Author Notes in the beginning to remind yourself! DO IT! I like pie! Meeps! 


	14. Chapter 14

Matt here: I had this chapter half-finished for I don't know how long, but remember to review. Also, go check out pat the almighty's "That Bleach Story" and review that too,... mainly because I want to see him actually write a story for more than 6 chapters. So remeber that. I like pie! Meeps!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and the ass kicking Brogan has yet to find out a need to give me! Yay!

In the middle of a forest, birds were chirping, but then blew up... just because. Itachi and Kisame were walking through.

"HOLY SHIT! I'M ALIVE!" screamed Itachi, noticing his stomach not punctured.

"Eeeek! Spoilers!" whined Kisame, before Itachi hit him over the head with a weasel.

Back at Kiba's room,...

"Ok, I heard all the stories, and I think the best course of action is to give me all the milkbones." said Kiba, as a naked Matt and Lee, a girl-pantsed erected Naruto, and Gaara and Shino glared angrily, with an unconscious Choji laying behind him. "Ok,... how about we find out what happened?"

"Nah, that seems like work, I'll just do a do-over. That'll fix all problems now and forever!" exclaimed Matt, still naked.

"But what about..." Kiba managed to say before his mom suddenly entered the room.

"..."gaped Kiba's mom as she saw naked Matt and Lee, then Naruto shirtless with girl pants and an erection. "My baby! You've finally came out of the closet!"

"MOM! FOR THE LAST TIME! I'M NOT GAY!" screamed Kiba, slamming his mom out of his room, jarring Akamaru from his slumber on his bed.

"Ok, honey! Whatever you say?" said Kiba's mom as she began giggling uncontrollably.

"Ok, now,... wait,... where the fuck did Matt...?" asked Kiba as he was interrupted by his mother moaning in the hallway. "Oh hell no!"

Kiba the went into the hallway and dragged Matt off his naked mother and back into his room.

"Your putting some clothes on now!" yelled Kiba.

"Fine, your mom's a bitch anyway." said Matt, causing the room to break out in laughter.

Matt then jumped out the window.

"Hey! Ow! Come on! I'm tired! HEY! AHHHHH!" screamed some guy as Matt beat him up naked.

Matt then jumped back in the window wearing his normal clothes.

"How the hell are you wearing those? I thought you stole them from that guy?" questioned Gaara.

"I did." responded Matt, having his katana appear in a flash of black light.

"But... what?... but..." stammered Gaara, as he became more and more confused.

"Hey, I better get some clothes too." said Naruto as he jumped out the window.

"Whoa! Why are you naked again?... Oh dear god! Ah! Get off me! Give me back my clothes! My balls!" said some guy as Naruto took his clothes.

Naruto then jumped up into the window wearing his signature orange jumpsuit.

"But... but... but..." stammered Gaara.

"That is a good idea! I require youthful clothes as well." said Lee as he jumped out the window.

"Oh my! This is not good at all! Lotus Blossom of Youth help me!" yelled some guy as Lee stole his clothes. Lee jumped back in the room wearing a green tuxedo.

"But... ah fuck it, I give up." said Gaara giving up.

"Ok, now, how are we gonna figure out what happened last night?" pondered Kiba.

"Well, can we rap this up? My sensei was gonna teach me a new jutsu today." said Naruto, as we fell onto Kiba's bed.

"... Matt! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" pondered Kiba, as his face lit up with enlightenment.

"I think so, but how are we gonna get Tera Patrick to spread Mac 'n Cheese all over her vagina?" asked Matt.

"No... no, you idiot,... I mean were should have Naruto's sensei figure out what to do!" said Kiba.

"Wow! That's my level of laziness, Kiba! I'm impressed. It's no Shikamaru, but what is?" responded Matt. Kiba, Lee, Naruto, Matt, and Gaara all ninjaed out of the window and...

"I like bugs!" interrupted Shino.

"We get it Shino! You're fucking creepy!" yelled Matt, the Narrator. "Now, were was I... ah, yes..."

... went off towards Naruto's sensei.

Meanwhile,...

Hinata was standing next to Sakura's bed in the hospital,... what?... you can't get more descriptive than that.

"Here Sakura... I... uh... I brought you some... uh..." stuttered Hinata, as she held a vase of flowers in front of her.

"Flowers?" asked Sakura, taking the vase from her hands, fearing she was gonna drop it.

"Y-y-yes,... uh... I hope you ... uh... feel good soon." stammered Hinata.

"So, have you managed to confess your undying love to Naruto yet? 'Cause you're pissing off a lot of people." asked Sakura, placing the vase on a near by desk.

"...well... uh... well... uh... well... uh... l-la-la-last night... we... uh..." stuttered Hinata through massive blushing.

"Wait, you mean... last night?... uh... How was he?" asked Sakura, sitting up and listening.

"Well... it... uh... it... was... uh..." blushed Hinata, her face bright red.

Suddenly, a flash of red crashed through the door and out the window.

"FUCK!" yelled a girl from outside the window, as a hand grabbed the windowsill.

Brogan then managed to pull her body up into the room and picked the broken glass and wood out of her skin.

"Uh, did I hear Hinata got some action?" asked Brogan, brushing some glass off her skirt. (Might get a double ass kicking for that... eh, I can't go any deeper.)

"Apparently, but she's not talking." said Sakura, looking over to the new guest.

"Oh, I think I can make her talk." said Brogan, as an evil look took over eyes and she licked her lips.

"But... what... uh... AH!" screamed Hinata as Brogan walked up behind her and rested her boobs on her back.

"Oh, you'll tell us how Naruto was." said Brogan, as she slid her hand down Hinata's pants and inserted two of her fingers inside of her.

"AH!... OH!... AH!... OH!...OH!... OH!" moaned Hinata as Brogan's fingers entered and exited her body.

"You like this, don't you?" asked Brogan as she began to move her fingers faster and faster.

"Ah! Ah!! Ah!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh,..." moaned Hinata as she orgasmed all over Brogan's fingers.

"Oh, someone's a naughty girl." said Brogan, as she brought her hand to her mouth and licked off the juice. Just then, Tsunade opened the door.

"Hey! How's my favorite student..." said Tsunade before she noticed Brogan holding a flustered and deeply breathing Hinata. "Oh... Sakura... I had no idea you were like that... why didn't you tell me?... We could have had fun."

Hinata and Brogan starred as Tsunade took off her top, letting her huge jiggling breast free, and laid on top of Sakura, engulfing her face in a mass of jiggly goodness. Tsunade then began grinding her cunt up against that of her students while she moaned in pleasure.

Meanwhile,...

"Why on Earth did you interrupt me during the most holiest of events, by which I mean shoe shopping!" yelled Sweetsong, as Uke stood next to her.

"Well, like, OMG, you might want to see this footage." said a random yaoi fangirl as she pulled up a monitor. Sweetsong and Uke starred at the screen until her eyes flashed open.

"But, he's over there! How can he be... this is Jiraya's doing..." said Sweetsong as she watched the screen. "Uke, send an attack force through the portal. We have a problem."

"Right away, my mistress." said Uke as he picked up his phone.

Meanwhile, a little later...

"Are we almost there?" whined Gaara, as he, Matt, Kiba, Lee, and Naruto ran through the woods.

"Yeah, he's just up this road." answered Naruto, but soon after he stopped.

"Why'd you..." asked Matt as he saw the figure blocking the road. "Oh."

"I'm afraid I can't let you pass." said the figure.

--- End of Chapter---

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So ladies, feeling unsure about your sexuality now? What? Your not? Damn lesbians. I like pie! Meeps! 


	15. Chapter 15

Matt here: I've been busy lately, with homework, Brawl, and my YouTube profile, which for anyone who cares is Mattman007X. Anyway, enjoy the chapter. I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic, except Matt and Sweet and Spicy Nacho Cheese Doritios! Taste that sweet spiciness!

Matt, the Author, bless the very crap he writes, and Sesshomaru were on the trail of that psycho fangirl that took the script.

"...uh... you pathetic mortal! I swear, if I don't get to fight that brother eviler than I, you will die!" yelled Sesshomaru, growing impatient of the two's long walk.

"Please, I could kill you with a retarded quadriplegic tied to my back." snapped back Matt, the Author, tiring of the banter as it was the 7th death threat of the the hour.

"... whoa... kind of went a bit far there." responded Sesshomaru, shocked at Matt's comment.

"Fuck you, why don't you go bomb some world trade towers if you're that sensitive?" shouted Matt, the Author.

"..." gaped Sesshomaru, stunned at the fact that he made a 9/11 joke. "..."

"..." continued Matt, the Author, adding to the awkward silence.

"... wanna have gay sex?" blurted Sesshomaru, who immediately slapped a hand across his mouth. "What the hell was that?"

"Shit! The script is affecting you! The plot for this chapter must be coming!" shouted Matt, the Author, looking around.

"I've finally, like, found you, OMG!" shouted a voice from a tree. A cloaked figure of black and red jumped down from a tree, followed by a similar figure.

"I say! It's Itachi! Only he appears to have been corrupted by yaoi fangirl!" exclaimed Matt, the Author, wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat for no reason. "Let us do battle!"

Sesshomaru then stepped in front of Matt, the Author... ok... I'm gonna assume by now you'll know that I mean , the Author, after I say Matt, right?... and blocked his path.

:No, you stay out of the way. This is my fight, besides, without your script, you're about as powerful as a goldfish." sneered Sesshomaru, blocking Matt completely. Matt then pulled out a pistol and blasted Kisame's leg off, who happened to be standing behind Itachi.

"What about now?" asked Matt, looking at Sesshomaru beggingly.

"No!" shouted Sesshomaru, causing Matt to shoot off Kisame's other leg. "And stop shooting off the blue one's various appendages!"

"Aw..." groaned Matt as he moved out of Sesshomaru's way.

"Like, OMG, it's Sesshy! You're so totally smexy!" squealed Itachi, the pain of what he was being forced to say appearing in his eyes.

"You must be Itachi! I'm going to kill you, and keep my title of most evil anime older brother!" yelled Sesshomaru, drawing his sword.

"Oh a fight! That's _fabulous_!" homo-ed Itachi, with Kisame growing his legs back, because he's a shark, and crawling over to sit next to Matt.

"Would you quite that? I swear, Naruto fangirls are just stupid." stated Sesshomaru.

"Well, at least Naruto has fangirls, unlike Inuyasha. I mean, didn't people stop watching that 2 years ago?" pondered Itachi, preparing his extremely gay nails.

"Yeah, well, at least in Inuyasha the fans know what the hell is going on." retorted Sesshomaru. "Seriously, you have like 7 fights going on at once right now!"

"Well, at least Naruto has more than one plot!" yelled Itachi.

"Barely! It's all the same crap. Ninja goes bad, Naruto finds ninja, Naruto picks fight with ninja, 19 episodes of flashbacks that break the action into tiny little pieces, fight ends, Naruto leaves!" commented Sesshomaru, eyes going all demon.

"Yeah, well,..." started Itachi.

"SHUT UP! Let's just all agree that One Piece is way better then both of those shows combined and get on with the fight." yelled Matt, fed up with their bickering.

"Oh! I know! And that new guy, Brook, they added is awesome. I mean a skeleton with an afro, that's just sweet.!" said Kisame, turning to Matt who was sitting next to him.

"I know!" responded Matt. The two the began to discuss One Piece, becoming oblivious to the fight about to take place.

"Die Itachi!" yelled Sesshomaru as he flung a poison claw attack at Itachi, causing his head to explode. "Huh,... didn't think it'd be that easy."  
"That's because it wasn't!" said Itachi, appearing behind Sesshomaru and stabbing him through the back with a chainsaw. "It was an illusion created by my Sharingan."

Sesshomaru body fell to the ground as his blood began to spurt out covering Itachi in it, when suddenly it disappeared and Itachi was stabbed through the throat.

"...but... how..." coughed Itachi, the sword through his throat obstructing his speech slightly.

"The sacred jewel shards implanted in my arm allow me to create illusions for some unexplained reason." answered Sesshomaru, when Itachi's body suddenly disappeared from his grasp. Itachi appeared on top of a close-by tree stump.

"It was all an illusion created by my Sharingan!" yelled Itachi, who jumped off and stabbed Sesshomaru to the ground with hundreds of swords, pinning him there. Itachi stood over Sesshomaru dying body smiling.

"It turns out that I truly was the more evil older brother!" stated Itachi. He then grabbed underneath his jaw and pulled, causing his to pull off a mask to reveal Sesshomaru.

"Wait! I'm Sesshomaru! That can only mean..." said Sesshomaru. He then freed one of his hands somehow and pulled off his mask, revealing Itachi.

"Ah, touche." said Itachi, as the multiple stab wounds drained his life away.

"Wait, that can't be so." commented Matt. He then removed his mask, revealing Itachi.

"What? That mean..." said Itachi, the stabbed one. He then removed his mask, revealing Krillen, from DBZ. Krillen then died of his injuries, but since he was Krillen, no one cared.

"Oh wait, I'm not Itachi." said Itachi. He then removed his mask, revealing Matt.

"Then that can only mean..." stated Kisame. He then removed his mask, revealing a mass of muscles, eyeballs, and blood.

"Ah yes, I wasn't wearing a mask. AHHHHH! OH DEAR GOD! THIS FUCKING HURTS! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" screamed Kisame as he ran around with his face torn off. Suddenly, Itachi jumped out of a near-by tree.

"Haha! That was let another illusion created by my Sharingan!" gloated Itachi, which caused Kisame to stop screaming.

"Wait, so I didn't rip my face off?" asked Kisame, blood squirting at random intervals.

"No, you actually did that because you're a fucking moron." responded Itachi, he then focused attention back to Sesshomaru as Kisame went off running a screaming again. "Now, for our battle over the title of most evil anime older bro..."

Itachi suddenly clenched his heart, quickly downed a bottle of pills, and fell to the ground, dead and with an erection.

"What? All that and he dies of a heart attack! He's lucky he's in a fanfic, because they'd never allow anything this retarded in the actual manga!"

Meanwhile, back in Konoha, Sasuke's apartment...

Sasuke had awoken in full pirate regalia, with a wench on each side of him, and had gotten up to fix breakfast for all of them.

"Nothing says "Morning Round" like some Special Ninja Unisex Viagra!" said Sasuke to himself as he pured two glasses of orange juice and put a pill in each one. He then noticed something odd about the pills and checked the bottle he had gotten them out of.

"Hey! This is my brother's heart medication... then where the fuck is my Unisex Viagra?" asked an enraged Sasuke.

And that's the story of how Sasuke got revenge for his clan.

--End of Chapter--

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So anyway, review, or else be prepared for me and your asshole to become really friendly one night. (I was saying I'd rape you anally for those who lack poetic understanding, like me.) I like pie! Meeps!


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